I find my peace in love...

Well...

2006-06-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed away at 5:45 this evening. It's June 18th, 2006. It's also Father's Day and my mom's 43rd birthday. Someone has a twisted sense of fucked up humor.

I'm speechless...

2006-05-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

Spoilers!!!!!! I just saw the movie Hostel with Dom and I am speechless. First of all, I consider myself a pretty big horror movie fan. I watch everything I can get my hands on, from classics like Halloween, to the new stuff, like The Ring or The Grudge, to Japanese horror movies. If it's in the horror section of Blockbuster, I've probably seen it. Second, I loved Saw. So when I saw the trailer for Hostel, I automatically wanted to see it, assuming it would be similar to Saw. Nope. In my opinion, Hostel was one of the worst fucking movies I have ever seen. It was crap, pure fucking crap. I went on IMDB to see the rating and I was shocked that it was a 5.8. I consider a 5-6 to be pretty average. Not something you'd watch over and over, but something good enough to pass the time with if you're bored and nothing else is on.I would not watch this movie again if you paid me. I didn't even flinch when I watched Saw or it's sequel. I have a pretty strong stomach for any kind of violence, as long as it doesn't involve animals or children. But watching Hostel was like watching a softcore porn that someone accidentally taped over with a snuff film. The first part of the movie was softcore porn. A bunch of horny guys trying to get laid in Amsterdam. Then suddenly, torture. Body parts being drilled through, cut off, blow torched. I had my hands over my face half the time. I couldn't stomach it, especially the achilles heel and blow-torch part. The best part of the movie for me was the ending credits. I'm honestly so disturbed, I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts and sentences. So here's my breakdown of the movie:

First Part: Softcore porn with some humor
Second Part: TORTURE
Third Part: Escape.
Fourth Part: Understandable suicide.
Fifth Part: Revenge
Sixth Part: Credits - my favorite part of this whole movie.

I'm honestly sick to my stomach. The screams in that movie were horrifyingly real. I can't think about this any longer. i ahve to see something funny, cuddly, or cute right now to get the images out of my head. I'm probably gonna read a bit of my romance novel. I can't fucking believe people actually liked that movie...

Alright, no more eating before bed!

2006-05-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been having some really crazy dreams lately, mostly about babies. The night before last, I had a dream that I was a nanny and my job was to take care of a set of twins. The mother of the kids owned this insanely large house and her rule was that I could never ever put the babies down or go to the third floor. So I'm running around with two babies in my arm and I go down this huge grand staircase to the bottom floor, and I find a dead body in front of big stained-glass windows. So I run back up the staircase, babies in tow, only to realize that the second floor is gone and only the third floor is left. So I sit down on the stairs and somehow, I find myself watching Munch and Fin from SVU asking an informant for the murderers address. Munch says a racial slur and the informant gives him the address, after punching him in the face. The next thing I knnow, I'm back on the staircase with the babies and the detectives are doing forensic testing on the dead guy. I woke up, very confused. Then last night, I dreamed that I had a baby, a beautiful little girl with big blue eyes. I didn't know anything about taking care of her, so I had to keep asking my mom how to feed her, bathe her etc. I was also in college and I kept dragging my baby with me. Sometime during my dream, I realized that I had to feed her, but I still had one class left. So I headed off to the class so I could ask the teacher if I could go feed her. To get to the classroom, I had to crawl through this tunnel, dragging the baby in her chair thing behind me. We come out in this grassy area and there's a big ass lion there. He says to me, "Buenos días, Megan." I explain that I have to feed my baby and he says alright and gives me a rattle to give to her. Then tells me that the spanish word for baby is chulo. So I'm at the bus stop, flirting with this guy and telling him about my daughter. I tell him that she has the biggest blue eyes, and he smiles and asks if they are bigger than his. A cab pulls up and I realize that I forgot my baby so I go running to find her, screaming that I'm the worst mother in the world. Okaaaay. What the fuck was that?

Why the hell

2006-05-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

do parents insist on lying to their kids? Why? There is nothing to gain and 9 times out of 10, you'll get caught. Okay, let me back up. Our landlord is a cheap piece of shit with a bad temper. Our apartment is falling apart and he flies into a rage whenever someone tells him something is broken. So we've learned to deal with the crappy plumbing. But two days ago, I noticed that the oven door was making a screeching noise. I informed my father who tried to close it completely and it wouldn't. The damn thing won't close all the way and it opens so far, it almost hits the floor. I asked my mom to call the landlord and we got into an argument because heaven forbid she should open her fucking mouth. So I said fuck it and walked away from her. Then, yesterday, the burners wouldn't work. Then they worked again. Then they wouldn't work. It's very irritating, and potentially dangerous, since when they don't work, the smell of gas gets incredibly strong. And since the oven door won't close, theknobs that turn the burners on and off are melting and smell so horrible, I get lightheaded when I'm in there. So, she told me she called the landlord and he will be here on Sunday so Dom and I have to stay in our room. Well, today is Sunday so when I asked my mom when the landlord is coming, she told me he said he was going awa for the weekend and would come by when he got back, sometime today. And she said if he doesn't come by today, she'll call him tomorrow. Which leads me to believe that she's full of shit and probably lied about calling the landlord. She lies about everything. I love my mother, but she is the most manipulative dishonest woman I've ever know. I feel like just grabbing her and shaking her, screaming, "Goddamn it, woman, stop fucking changing your story, get off your fucking ass, and call the damn landlord!" So I'm in my room fuming while she's out there thinking everything is just fucking dandy. I hope I get the letter from college saying I'm accepted. This way, if I am, I know that within the next few years, I'll graduate, get a good job as a nurse, and be able to afford moving out. If I'm rejected, then I have nothing left to lose and I'll just have to get a crap job, that will hopefully allow me to make enough money to move out. Honestly, parents, why do you lie to your children? Or is this just something unique to my mother? Now I'm going to go calm down.

Zzzzzz

2006-05-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've been sleeping so much lately!! And no matter how much rest I get, I'm still tired. Ugh, I hope this stops soon. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up at nine this morning and I'm still exhausted. Anyway, Dom gave me money to get my hair cut for our anniversary, which I was ecstatic about. Then today a huge package arrived for me. His real present to me was a new computer monitor! I'm practically blind without glasses and the glare from the monitor hurts my eyes when I wear them, so I usually wind up squinting a lot. My old monitor was like 15 inches and the new one is 17. It's surprising what two inches can do! When I asked him why he gave me two presents, he explained that he had ordered the monitor last week and it was supposed to arrive on the 17th but it was delayed. So he gave me money for a haircut. I offered the money back, but he said to keep it. *grins* I'm happy!! And now I was inspired to do this from another random blog I stumbled upon.

Five Things No One Knows About Me

1. I think Clark Gable is one of the sexiest actors ever.
2. I want more than anything to re-learn Spanish, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to. (My biological father was Spanish, so I could speak it with him pretty fluently. My mom didn't like the fact that she couldn't understand me, so my dad and I just started speaking english and I eventually forgot.)
3. I'm absolutely terrified of complete silence. I need to have something pretty loud on in order to sleep at night. Dom just thinks I'm weird. (A fan works well when I'm at home, but if I'm at a hotel or something, I need the tv on.)
4.) As much as I like having the freedom to do almost anything a man can, I'd still secretly love to travel back in time to a point where the men were dominant and the women wore petticoats and crap. I love reading about it and something about time periods like that seems so... appealing. I'd probably punch the first guy who was condescending to me in the balls, but still, it'd be interesting to visit.
5.) Even two years after moving out of my old town, I still get shaky and upset when I think about it. It's incredibly difficult for me to go there by myself and as soon as I get home from there, I always run into the bathroom and break down and cry for like twenty minutes. It's honestly that hard for me.

Two Years

2006-05-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's Dom and my two year anniversary. Happy anniversary to us!!

And I know this sounds very teen-queenish, but if anyone reads this and can help vote for One Tree Hill here I''ll love you forever. Thanks.

Damn bloodsuckers...

2006-05-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today was productive. Dom and I went to the college I'm applying to, filled out the application, paid theapplication fee, and went to the doctor to get my immunizations. I thought I was gonna get a needle in my ass to protect me from the measles or something. Nope, I needed a blood test to see if I've already had all my immunizations. Now, if you know me, you knowI hate doctors. I hate them. Not personally, of course, because my doctor is awesome and I love her. She's cute and funny. Anyway, what I hate most about doctors is how fucking needle happy they are. "You have a headache? Here, have a needle!" "Gunshot wound? No problem, I'll stick a needle in it!" I hate needles. Which is funny, because I had no problem getting my tattoo. (Butterfly on my left shoulder.) I suppose I just hate getting needles at the doctors office. Because there are three types of people who give needles.

Type A: The kind of nurse who has seen too many people cry about needles and just doesn't have the energy to pretend to be sympathetic anymore. These are the most common. Penny on the common.

Type B: The kind of nurse who really does feel bad about causing you pain and often offers water, candy, or just a few womforting words when she/he sees how upset you are. I was lucky and had one of these today. They are very rare. Finding $1,000 on the ground rare.

Type C: The kind of nurse who acts as though you slept with her boyfriend. They show no sympathy, and are usually very rude or rough. These are somewhere between dandelions and the $1,000. Kind of like dollars. Only much less pleasant.

Anyway, the only thing worse than getting a needle, is when the doctor tells you they need to draw blood. I'm twenty freaking years old and I still cry, shake, and occasionally throw up when faced with a blood test. Broken arm? No problem! Fractured knee-cap? Whatever! I need a bloodtest and I'm curled up in a corner trying to find my happy place. So I dragged Dom into the lab with me to get my blood drawn. I basically tried to kill him, but he was very supportive anyway. I got a Garfield band-aid for my troubles though. So after a stop at the grocery store, Dom and I got back. I peeled off my band-aid to see the ugly ass bruise I always get. I showed it to Dom expecting sympathy. Instead, he said and I quote: "Crazy ass white people, changing colors." My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen. *rolls eyes*

Why People Should Not Let Children Under the Age of Seven Name Their Pets

2006-05-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

I named my gold fish Fluffy. I named my mom's parakeet Blow Fish. I named my turtle Mr. Buttercup. I named my vicious ferret Snuggles. I named the skunk that got stuck under the porch Perfume because he smelled funny. He then sprayed me and I spent the next week taking tomato baths. But the all time funniest memory I have of trying to name a pet went something like this.

I was about four and my parents let me get a kitten from the shelter. He was this gorgeous little white ball of fluff with big blue eyes but he smelled horrible. We were in the car, my mom was driving, my dad was in the front seat and I was playing with the kitten in the back. We were trying to pick names. Our conversation went something like this.

Mom: How about Fluffy?
Me: Nooooo, mom, he's a boy!
Dad: What about Prince?
Mom: He's not a German Sherpard, Joe. We're not getting a dog. Let it go.
Me: He's my little pussy cat. Who's my little pussy cat? Mommy, he smells bad. How about Smelly Pussy?
Mom: *car swerves violently* WHAT?! NO!
Dad: *snickers*
Me: (probably whining) He smells bad, why not?
Mom: Because I said so. Joe, it is not funny!
Dad: *snickers louder*
Me: (most likely whining) Fine. How about Pretty Pussy??
Dad: *cracks up*
Mom: Megan-Ann, nothing with pussy in it! We are not naming him pussy! Joseph, it is not funny! Stop laughing!
Dad: *laughs harder*
Me: *looks confused*

We wound up naming him Boots. I never understood why my mom was so against naming him Pussy. The things you learn when you get older...

Random Hospital Memory

2006-05-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

Due to current events, I've been thinking a lot about my rape and the subsequent months spent in the hospital. I was actualy able to laugh about something that happened during my hospital stay. I was bruised really badly. Not the fake light purple smudge of mascara they put under actors eyes, I mean, bruised. My eye was dark purple and swollen shut, my jaw was wired shut, I had brusing on my throat, a split lip, part of my head was shaved to put the plate in, my left arm was in a cast up to my shoulder and sticking straight out in front of me, I had this inner tube thing around my waist cuz my pelvic bone was smashed, my legs were open and out because of the stitches in my genital region. I was fucked up. Anyway, the doctors asked me a bunch of questions to check for memory loss - past the week I spent unconcious - and asked me to wheel around the hallway so they could make sure there was no brain damage and I was alright with spatial relations or something like that. I was 13 so after I got out of the ICU, I was sent to the pediatric unit, which was where the doctors asked me to wheel around. (I couldn't walk because of the pelvic bone and stitches.) So I said okay. They had given me an electric wheelchair because i only had one functioning arm. I had no idea how to control it. So I was all set up at one end of the hallway and I went shooting down towards the other end, where this little girl was. She couldn't have been more than five. She looked at me with a look of panic and screamed at the top of her lungs right before taking off crying. I was heartbroken back then, I felt like a monster. But now I can see why she ran. All she saw was this huge purple half human half machine thing wearing an inner tube come flying at her, one arm outstretched like a fucking mummy. No wonder the poor girl ran. She probably thought I was trying to eat her. Now I find it pretty damn funny. I know, I know, she's probably scarred for life with a phobia of wheelchairs, but I need to find humor somewhere right? So, little girl, whoever you are, I'm sorry I scared you. I promise I wasn't going to eat you. I only eat little boys who scream nonstop in the grocery store.

On another note, I'msstudying to retake the SATs so I can go back to school and study nursing. There's a two year program at a college around me so I'm gonna apply next year. I scored in the 1500s when I last took the SATs, but I want to get back into the swing of school and I want to see if I can do better on them. So hopefully, I can get into school next year, graduate when I'm 23, and have a decent career in the medical field like I've always dreamed of by the time I'm 24. I'll keep ya posted. And Ivy, once again, thanks for the well wishes. It sounds corny, but knowing you even took the time to read my pathetic ramblings, let alone comment on them, really makes my day. It helps more than you know. So thanks again. And I'm completely with you on the Citibank commercial. When I see him hitting the pan with the broom, I want to reach through the television and just beat him with the phone. But the Big Boy password is pretty damn funny. :)

What the hell

2006-04-26T03:44:00.000-07:00

is with this time of the year for me? It's like since no one died around Christmas, every shitty thing that can happen to me is happening this month. So here's a list.

1.) My grandfather is doing horribly. And I have mixed emotions about that.

2.) My grandmother had like her billionth heart attack and isn't doing to well either.

3.) My cat Cece was really sick and my mom informed me she might be dying. Dom and I spent all weekend trying to find a vet that will work out a payment plan with me and we finally did. Now we're just anxiously waiting for the blood work to come back for her.

4.) The fucking animal hospital is in West Caldwell, the town that I grew up in. I am physically unable to go there by myself. I've had panic attacks, gotten bloody noses, and I've even passed out trying to. That town holds way too many bad memories. I was raped there and there are still people who live there that throw things at me or yell things out of their cars when they see me. Dom and I were waiting for a bus there once and these kids kept circling the block, heckling us, and even mooned us. Speaking of my rape...

5.) The man who raped me, raped another girl. Luckily, she didn't require reconstructive surgery and her brother came home before he used the knife on her. They are pressing charges and I'm being called on to speak against him. Wonderful, right? Almost eight years later and I have to relive it in front of everyone with him in the room. I can't even express how this makes me feel.

6.) I am once again writing one of Dom's papers. This time the topic is vague, he didn't explain it well, the teacher is horrible and didn't even give a list of requirements, and I'm stuck writing this thing. It's a fifteen page paper on work. We chose detectives in fiction. There's plenty of info, but writing a fifteen page paper is hard. Writing a fifteen page paper for someone is harder. Writing a fifteen page paper for someone and then having them criticise it is even harder. Writing a fifteen page paper, while going through all of the aforementioned crap, is almost impossible. I'm trying to write a paper, deal with criticism from Dom, worry about both my grandparents and my cat, write a letter to the police describing what happened to me when I was thirteen and still find enough money for the vet visit, bills, and groceries. If one more thing happens, I think I'm going to spontaneously combust.

To sum it all up, I've hit a rough patch in my life. In another few hours, this paper will be over and later today, Cece should be ready to get picked up from the vet. Once those two things are out of the way, I'll be able to focus on everything else a bit more. Right now, I'm just looking forward to finishing this paper and hopefully getting some sleep.

I've made a huge mistake.

2006-04-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

I've struggled with my weight for years. I've been very underweight and very overweight. I've been hospitalized more times than I can count because my eating habits spiralled out of control. It started slowly. For example, right after I was released from the hospital after my rape, my mom offered to make me any meal I wanted. (It was a Tuesday and my jaw was no longer wired shut so I could actually eat.) I asked her to make lasagna and garlic bread. She dropped me off at home, helped my dad carry me up the stairs, made sure I was comfortable, and went to the store. I was still on pain meds and fell asleep. By the time I woke up, the whole apartment smelled amazing. My mom brought a plate in for me and I ate way too much. Later that night, the combination of too much food plus painkillers had me throwing up for well over an hour. I was sweating, shaking, sick, and exhausted. I fell asleep curled up against the tub and I suppose my mom and dad dragged me back into my room. The next day I woke up and I still felt sick. My mom offered me food, which I refused. The next day the same thing happened. And the day after that, and the day after. I remember thinking how easy it was to just not have to eat, how light I felt, how the light headedness beat the hell out of the flashbacks I'd been having. The first meal I ate after the lasagna fiasco was that Sunday and it was baked chicken and cucumber salad. I felt like I swallowed a rock after I ate but assumed it was because of the days without eating. I continued eating pretty normally for a the next week until I was allowed back in school, with assistance since I still needed the wheelchair at that point. I was really nervous because I'd missed the end of the previous school year and a few weeks of the beginning of the next. (I was raped the end of April, was released from the hospital October 5th, and allowed back at school a week and a half later.) Jada, the nurse the hospital connected me with, had pushed me to my locker when she just kind of froze. I had been waving at a friend of mine when I turned and looked at the locker. Jada tried to turn me around, but no quite fast enough. Someone had written "Rape Whore" across my locker. I kinda went numb for a second, before asking her to wheel me into the bathroom. (I needed about 18 months worth of rehab therapybefore I could use my left hand again. The thumb is still really sensitive, and I had to learn how to write with my right hand over again, so at that point I needed help with almost everything.) Once in the bathroom, I had probably the biggest anxiety attack I'd ever had. My hands went numb, my vision blurred, I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was racing. I honestly thought I was going to die. I spent about twenty minutes calming down before Jada sent my friend Kelly to get my books from my locker so I wouldn't have to go back there. I figured if I avoided my locker, I'd be okay. The entire day, people pointed at me, whispered to one another, and a few made comments directly to my face. I had been raped, but I was the bad guy because his "reputation" was ruined. I should have known to avoid the cafeteria, but I was stupid. Jada pushed me to the cafeteria, sat me down at a table, and went up to get me something from the lunch line. This girl Daria came up to me while I was waiting for Jada to come back with food. She proceeded to call me a a liar and said it was probably consensual and I lied because I felt guilty for being such a whore. (At this point in my life, I can pretty much just say she's a fucking moron. I mean, I was in a freaking wheelchair and I consented? Idiot. But back then, I wasn't prepared for any of it.) A little group had formed, as it so commonly does during confrontations in high school, and everyone was staring at me to see what I'd say. Including people I had thought were my friends. I was fighting back tears so I couldn't say anything. Jada came back - thankfully - a few moments later and savedme from having to say anything. Sticking to traditional high school crap, the group left when an adult was present. I couldn't eat anything I was so upset and I asked to go to the nurse to go home. The nurse, loving understanding woman that she was, not only excused me from school, but called my doctor, got a fax excusing me for the rest of the week, and drive me home on her lunch break so Jada could go home early. That night, I didn't eat dinner. When my mom asked if I was hungry, I said no. When she asked if I had a big lunch, I lied and said yes. I still don't know why I lied. It just seemed easier than explaining that the thought of food made my stomach hurt. Over the next few weeks, things got worse. More stuff popped up on my locker, my moms car was keyed, a rock was thrown though out kitchen window, people crank called my phone so often I unplugged my phone, and I started geting death threats on my moms phone. It got so bad, we stayed with my great aunt in a few towns over for a few weeks. I got an electric wheelchair during that time so Jada wasn't needed anymore. The school sent a letter saying that I'd have to repeat a year if I didn't come back soon, so we moved to a new apartment. I had to go back to school alone though. It didn't get better. I was so anxious in the mornings, I couldn't eat breakfast. I'd get to school, and the comments would start. My friends would tell off anyone they saw or heard saying anything to me, but they couldn't be with me constantly. The teachers tried to control it as well, but they were only human. I avoided the lunchroom, hung out in the library a lot, and just basically tried to keep to myself. I'd go home, relieved the day was over, dreading the next day, and just being exhausted. Some days I'd have rehab, others I'd just get to go home and try to do homework or practice drawing with my right hand. (I loved art. I was good at it as well, even took some professional classes. But I was left handed and the bones were shattered and a nerve was damaged beyond repair so I had to learn to do things with my right.) Most days, I'd be too tired or stressed to eat more than a few bitefuls if anything. Slowly, that became a game to me. How many bites did I take per night? How many pieces could I cut that piece of steak into? How many times do I chew? How many days can I go without eating? I eventually realized that I felt better if I didn't eat. I felt clean, light. I felt good. It even helped in school. I'd focus so hard on ignoring the hunger pangs, I wouldn't even hear the comments. It escalated from ignoring the hunger pangs, to trying to keep my vision from blurring, to trying to keep from passing out. The nurse noticed something was wrong though and called my mom. My friend Kellys dad drove me home from school one day after my mom called and asked him to. I got home and my mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a huge plate of food, everything I liked. My mom informed me the nurse called and wanted to "express her concerns" over my eating habits. My mom sat there and watched as I ate every bite. As soon as she left the room, I burst into tears. I had an anxiety attack and felt like I was going to die. All I kept thinking was 73 bites of food, I just had 73 bites of food. I had to get it out of me so I forced myself to throw up. I repeated this process everyday for two months, before I passed out in class and was rushed to the hospital. I was incredibly malnourished and dehydrated. I was put on a potassium drip, which if you've never had, feels like the equivalent to a billion ravors slicing you open from the inside out. I spent two weeks in the hospital. I got a lot better at hiding my eating disorders, but it almost always comes out. Over the next five years, I had eleven hospitalizations, been banned from four gyms for passing out, had three forced feeding tubes, and spent a summer at a specialized eating disorder clinic. When I was 18, my relationship with my ex ended and I started taking care of myself a bit more. I still struggled with it, and I still do, but I've been in my own unofficial recovery for a little over two years now. I struggle everyday with eating, but I've discovered my triggers. Going back to my old town is a huge one. I can't go back there alone. I've done it twice in the past two years and both times, I nearly fell off the Sanity Truck. If I go too long without eating, I start to wonder how much longer I can go. If I find myself thinking too much about food when I'm unhappy, I have to stop myself. If I see a womans ribs in a picture, I have to close the magazine or site because I start wanting to be thin enough to count my ribs through my shirt. I constantly have to be on the lookout for signs of my disorder, and so does my mother, father, and Dom. All of them watch out for me as well and Dom has actually wrestled the keyboard out of my hands when I started obsessing over a models body. So I know most of my triggers and I should have known better than to do what I did last night. I couldn't sleep so I started looking up random things online. During one of my searches, I found a pro-anorexia site. Right then, I should have closed the window. Instead, I clicked on the link. Big. Fucking. Mistake. Pretty soon, I was comparing myself to the people posting on the boards and finding myself wondering if the tricks they used would really work. Two hours had gone by and I didn't realize it. And now, it's 8 in the morning, I haven't slept, my heart is pounding, and I'm thinking about the General Tsao's chicken I had last night. I was planning on going back on the low carb thing today, but I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. Dom is asleep otherwise I'd be talking to him trying to calm down. I'm so fucking stupid. I should have closed the damn window, and instead, I go and make things a billion times harder for myself. Fucking idiot.

Drama is over

2006-04-08T03:16:00.000-07:00

Dom and I are fine now. Still got issues, but whatever. Anyway, a quick peek at the conversations we have.
So I'm on the bed in our room and Dom is getting us something to drink from the kitchen. I hit the play button to start Bambi, which Dom has never scene.

Dom walks in while the intro music is playing.

Dom: What the fuck is this?

Me: Bambi.

Dom: I don't know if it's intentional or not but he music is making me sad. I'm getting sad from a kid's movie and nothing's happened yet.

Me: ...

Dom: No, seriously, I wanna slit my wrists. Bambi is making me want to slit my wrists.

Me: *cracks up and almost falls off the bed*

Sometimes I wonder

2006-04-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

why I stay in this relationship when I'm so unhappy. I'm actually thinking of checking myself into a hospital, I'm afraid I'm going to just snap and kill myself. I'm sleep deprived, miserable, overwhelmed, and just plain exhausted.

Gotta love the east coast weather

2006-04-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Saturday April 2nd, the high was 74. I wore a long skirt, flip flops, and a 3/4 sleeve top and I was comfortable. It's Wednesday, April 5th, and it's snowing. And I mean snowing! I can see my neighbors roof from my window and it's actually turning white. What the fuck?

You know

2006-04-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not an English teacher. (I did manage to get straight A's through high school in AP honors English though.) But people please! For the love of all that is holy, please spell words such as "there" "friend" and "couldn't" correctly when you are writing a review for something. Especially if it's a negative review about a book. Because honestly, if simple words are difficult for you to spell and you openly admit to not understanding the book, needing a dictionary to get through the first page, and giving up after the first chapter, I find it difficult to take your negative review seriously. Maybe I'm being a bit too bitchy or nit-picky, but it irritates the hell out of me when I see one negative review in the middle of fifty positive ones and it seems as though it was written by a cranky first grader. Argh. Maybe I'm just cranky.

Random Embarrassing Memory

2006-03-21T00:35:00.000-08:00

When I was 12, my uncle Matt got married. I was in the wedding party as a bridesmaid. We had to wear these ugly ankle length forest green dresses. They had puffy arms, an empire waist, a square neckline, and came with elbow length white lace gloves and little matching green berets and purses. The neckline, waist, hem, and arms were all laced with white laced trim. So, the woman my uncle married went show shopping with me to pick out shoes to match the dress. We found these ugly ass pointy toed patent leather 4 inch stilettos that were the same shade as the dresses. (God, why?!) I had never walked in heels that high before, let alone stilettos, but she assured me I'd do fine. After wobbling around for a minute, we bought them and went on our way. The wedding day came and I was in agony. The shoes were not meant to fit square feet my feet are really fat and thick, like the Flinstones - and I had been standing almost all day. Finally, the moment came where I was supposed to walk out with one of the grooms party and I was damn near limping. I decided I was gonna suck it up and first chance I got, I'd kick the bitches off. Well, walking down the aisle, I feel something wet in my shoe and my feet start to slide. My feet shift forward in the shoes, forcing my already tortured toes to curl up on themselves in hopes of reducing their pain. I lose my balance, fall forward onto my hands and knees, and the hem of the dress hikes up to reveal about a quarter of my ass. Sadly, I was wearing a thong to avoid panty lines so I wanted to cry. My grandmother had her trusty Polaroid with her for the reception and snapped a picture of me like that. After I got to my feet, the wedding went fine. No one was mad at me, thankfully, they all found it rather funny. About two weeks later, I received a letter from my grandmother in the mail. Upon opening it, I saw the picture of me when I fell. I was on my hands and knees, dress hiked up, beret half off my head, and one foot slightly in the air, exposing my shoes. I looked like Slutty the Deranged Keebler Elf. A note was attached to it in my grandmothers writing. "These are being printed on my Christmas cards this year. Would you like the original?" It took me two lunches, a lot of begging, and the promise to clean the garage for her to not put them on her Christmas cards. She didn't, but she did get it framed and it's still sitting on the shelf in the living room, even four years after she passed away. My grandma was a funny lady. :)

Dom and I

2006-03-14T03:24:00.000-08:00

just finished reading this really interesting book. It's called Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America by Barbara Ehrenreich. Basically, this middle to upper middle class woman goes out to three different places in the country with a small amount of money and tries to live working low paying jobs. I'm probably not explaining it correctly, but it really is interesting. If you want to read more about it or order it, click here. Some of the last paragraphs actually made me almost tear up. Here is a paragraph that both Dom and I just kind of paused and looked at each other in horror after reading.

When someone works for less pay than she can live on—when, for example, she goes hungry so that you can eat more cheaply and conveniently—then she has made a great sacrifice for you, she has made you a gift of some part of her abilities, her health, and her life. The “working poor,” as they are approvingly termed, are in fact the major philanthropists of our society. They neglect their own children so that the children of others will be cared for; they live in substandard housing so that other homes will be shiny and perfect; they endure privation so that inflation will be low and stock prices high. To be a member of the working poor is to be an anonymous donor, a nameless benefactor, to everyone else. As Gail, one of my restaurant coworkers put it, “you give and you give.”

I feel absolutely horrible after this. I mean, my mom was really unstable when I was younger and we've been evicted from almost every home we've had. We've gone days without eating, weeks without electricity, years without a phone. I remember being maybe six years old and going to a church by myself to get food. I missed half of fifth grade because I had no address and couldn't register for school without one. (Somehow, I wound up going onto sixth grade anyway.) When I was eleven, we slept in a shelter for a few days until my grandparents let us stay their house while they were on vacation at the beach. So I can relate on some level to being poor, but I've never sacrificed myself in order to please someone else. I mean, my first real job was as a teller at a bank and after a few years of working there I was making $2,100 a month after taxes. And I was only 17. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually work yourself to the bone and not get any recognition. To live in poverty so someone who pays you shit can come home to a squeaky clean house. I honestly feel heartbroken after this. If I think about this anymore, I'm going to wind up crying. Somehow, I feel worse that I want to put it out of my mind so I can feel better when this is actually someone elses reality. They don't have the option to just put it out of their mind. I really don't know what else to say.

Since I don't have the energy for anything else...

2006-03-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

clicky clicky.

Can someone please

2006-03-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

tell me why men are so horrible at communicating? Honestly, I've seen gorillas at the zoo make more sense. Over an hour of arguing because I got annoyed at being interrupted and Dom went all spiteful diva on me. I'm seriously starting to rethink this relationship. We can barely go a day without arguing. And I'm disgusted with it.

Every time

2006-02-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

I read this journal, I'm inspired to write an entry of my own. So todays entry will be about my mom trying to teach me to drive when I had just gotten my permit. The first time she wanted to teach me to drive, she shoved two chairs in the backseat and took me to my high school parking lot. She got out of the car and positioned them maybe 12 feet apart. My job was to swerve around them as though they were people. After hitting one and mangling the other by dragging it under the car, she decided perhaps pedestrian safety would come after she taught me to brake without giving us whiplash. I got the hang of it pretty quickly so she then set the chairs up again, claiming the lopsided one was someone in a wheelchair. I successfully avoided both of them, just in time to realize I was about to drive straight through a stop sign, into the road. I was feeling confident and decided to go with it. My mother began shrieking like a banshee with a poker up its ass. "MEGAN-ANN YOU PULL THIS CAR OVER RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW DO YOU HEAR ME? OH GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M GOING TO DIE AND IT'S GOING TO BE MY DAUGHTERS FAULT. MY HEART, IT HURTS! MEG, I SMELL TOAST, PULL OVER. PULL OVER!!!!!" At this point, I'm terrified and it's all I can do to keep the car under control. (We had a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass and the fucking thing was a boat. It felt like I took up the whole road.) So I'm going maybe 20mph, trying to calm down enough to stop, trying to fight off an anxiety attack and I ask my mom where it's safe to pull over. Hearing a oddly familiar clicking noise, I look over and my mom had her door open. I heard her mutter tuck and roll under her breath right before she bailed out of the car. Yes, my mother had such little faith in my driving ability she jumped from the moving vehicle. I started crying at that point, thinking she killed herself. Looking in the review mirror, I saw her stand up so I felt a little better. Without her screaming in my ear, I calmed down enough to pull her door shut and make my way home. (We lived less than a mile away.) Once I got home, I parked the car - perfectly, might I add - and ran upstairs to tell my moms friend what happened. (Shae lived with us at that point.) She grabbed her car keys and we jumped in her truck. We found my mom about halfway home, dragging the two chairs behind her. She paid for me to get driving lessons the next day.

I've come to the conclusion

2006-02-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

that men are just babies in bigger bodies. With a slightly higher intellect.

Fucking Hospital Workers

2006-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Anyone in the NJ area, never trust Mountainside Hospital in Montclair to care for an elderly person. My 80+ year old grandfather is fighting off two kinds of cancer -stomach and lung cancer. The lung cancer spread from his right lung to his left and because of his age, they kept him in the hospital until he hired a caregiver. Anyway, he had an IV, a catheter, and those nasty little tubes that go up your nose attached to him so it was hard for him to get out of bed. He had diarrhea so he rang the bell for the nurse. No one came. He rang it several more times and still no one came. He yelled for someone to help, but once again no one came. To be nice about it, he had a little accident in the bed so he got up with everything still attached and went to the bathroom. A bit of it got on the floor and while he was in the bathroom, he heard a nurse come in. When he left the bathroom, she gave him a towel and told him to "clean it up." Excuse me, but isn't that your job? And if you had done your damn job in the first place by answering the fucking bell, any cleaning would've been avoided. He wound up having to clean the floor himself, which included leaning over with a bad knee, bad back, catheter and IV in place. I mean, what the fuck? Okay, my grandfather may not be my favorite person, but still, no one deserves to be treated like that, especially someone who is really sick. So don't trust Mountainside Hospital. Seriously.

Lack of Interesting Events

2006-02-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

I've been really moody lately and it's tiring. I'm pulling out of it so I should be back to normal soon. Nothing really interesting happened. Dom and I spent Valentines Day together and exchanged gifts. I made him a special dinner, bought him this card game he likes, some kool aid- if you knew him, you'd get it- a balloon, and twizzlers. He bought me a big bag of chocolate truffles and Godiva! My diet was shot to hell on VDAy but I don't care, it was a special occasion. I had pizza for dinner too. Oh well, I went back on it the next day. Lately though my stomach has been killing me, I've been sleeping a lot, I've been getting sick, my heart has been pounding, I've been getting migraines and a list of other shit. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really don't want to go to the doctor. So I'm trying to eat more carbs today so I can see if maybe the lack of carbs in my diet is hurting me. Lately, I haven't been able to stomach much, so I've only had like 4 or 5 carbs a day. If I don't feel better though, I guess I'll make an appointment with the doctor. *shrugs* I really don't have much else to say. And Ivy, congrats on your divorce being finalized. It put a smile on my face to see the fat lady singing. Love the pic. :)

Michelle Kwan, I am not.

2006-02-13T12:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, so my area got pounded by a blizzard. (I keep hearing people calling it a storm. Fuck that. The snow is literally up to my knees. It was a damn blizzard.) And I had to go to the store today. So I throw on some jeans, a t-shirt, sweatshirt, my coat, thick socks, my boots, borrow Doms gloves, grab my headphones and debit card and head out the door. But first, Dom reminds me to pick up a container of kool aid for him. Okay, off I go. But wait. My mom stops me on the way out and gives me money to pick her up the gallon sized container of iced tea. Okay, now I'm really off. Or not. My dad stops me and asks me to pick up cat food. (Fuck, I forgot that and plastic forks and spoons. Damn it.) Okay, so I walk downstairs, look outside, and I'm damn near blinded by white. Snow everywhere. I get over my fear and walk down the partly shovelled steps, resigning myself to at least 15 falls on the way there. Most of the sidewalks aren't shovelled, so I walk in the street. I get maybe a third of the way there and I slip. My legs shoot out in front of me, I land on my ass, and I wind up facing home again. I did a complete 180 on the ice and I don't know how. Right then. Up I go. On the corner, maybe three quarters of the way to the store, there is a car wash. I had the pleasure of walking by it when they were plowing it. So I'm walking by the parking lot and I happen to be at the corner where they shove all the snow. The mountain of it is already at least 12 feet and it looks like it's gonna topple any minute. Plow-man is heading right for the mountain with even more snow and I was afraid I'd get crushed. So I move a few feet away from the parking lot, feeling secure in my new spot on the sidewalk. However, plow-man pushed the snow into the mountain, the mountain topples into the yard next to it, hits a tree, and the snow from the tree falls - right on top of me. So I'm leaping around like a frog on speed because snow went down the back of my coat and it's freezing. Plow-man laughs. The bastard laughs. Then shrugs his shoulders as if to apologize. Bastard. So I get to the store, get held up by talkative cart guy, and go inside, only to realize they don't have any more gallon sized ice teas or onion powder. Well, I figure I'll go to Pathmark. I get there, pick up almost everything I need to get, realize I don't have the damn advantage card with me and wind up having to wait in line for 15 mintues because the damn express guy can't look up your card. So I leave the store, only to realize that Valentine's day is tomorrow and I wanted to get Dom's presents. So I wakl out to Bloomfield Ave, get splashed in the face by snow after some asshole drives through a slush puddle, and continue walking to the store where I got his present. (I'm not saying it cuz he might read this and the store name would give it away.) On the way there, I slide a good four feet on a huge patch of ice, pull a muscle in my shoulder cuz I'm carrying the damn grocery bag, pull a muscle in my inner thigh because I'm not made of cartilage, I don't bend that way anymore, and wind up getting splashed by slush again. I get Dom's presents and start home again. The trek home wasn't too bad, just a few almost-falls, but not quite. At least not until I was within a block of home. I was walking in the street cuz the sidewalks still weren't shoveled, carrying a grocery bag, and a heart shaped balloon for Dom, when I hit a huge patch of ice, damn near did a split, probably did some fucking dance move trying to keep my balance and wind up falling down on one knee. Sadly, it was the knee that I fractured a few years ago. So I'm down on one knee, a grocery bag in one hand, Dom's balloon in the other - the damn thing wouldn't fit in the bag - and a huge group of kids walk by and look at me like I'm some rare animal they've never seen before. I felt like crying because my knee hurt so bad and laughing because one of the kids looked like he wanted to come help me but didn't know if he should, so he was just hopping from one foot to the other. So I pull myself up, the kids walk off down the street and I start limping towards home. I get less than fifty feet from where I fell, when I hit a patch of ice in the snow and my feet fly out behind me. I basically did a face plant in the snow. So if you are anywhere in Bloomfield and you see what looks like a screwed up snow angel holding a heart shaped balloon, that's me. That's my mark on the world. I finally get home, change out of my wet clothes, and throw my roast in the slow cooker. I washed my hands and as I turned to leave the kitchen, I slipped on a bit of ice I tracked in on my boots and land on my ass again. Michelle Kwan, I am not.

Anyway, Growing Up Ivy Part 2- (Poor cute little girl almost didn't get her doll!) - made me think about my first experience with tax. I had just gotten my first legit job at a bank and I was ecstatic. I made $8 an hour and I spent all week thnking about how I was gonna spend my hard earned money. When I got my first paycheck, I ran home, tore it open and was absolutely positive there was some mistake. I showed it to my mom, who laughed her ass off at me, explaining that they take taxes out of my paycheck. My response was, "Why am I paying school tax? I don't even like school! Why are they taking highway taxes out? I only have my permit! And who the hell is Fica and why are they taking my money?!" I pronounced it ficka and my mom spent a good twenty minutes laughing at my outrage. It's alright though, I get to pick her nursing home later in life. :) Anyway, that was how I learned about tax. Thanks, Ivy, for bringing up my own memories!

We got covered in snow!

2006-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

It's insane! There's over a foot and a half outside. We couldn't even get our front door open. I love snow but what the hell is up with this schizo weather? It was 60 degrees less than two weeks ago and now we're covered in snow. And Thursday is supposed to go back up to the 50s. Is it the freaking apocalypse or something? There was thunder and lightning this morning as well as the snow! Anyway, on to other boring crap in my life. Dom got us a Foreman grill. I absolutely love it. It's a bitch to clean up, but I love the taste of grilled food. And with the amount of meat I'm eating, cutting out any fat, cholesterol, and calories will be a bonus. I already made chicken on it, and tonight I'm making burgers. I don't really have too much to say, obviously. I haven't really been feeling like myself lately. I've been edgy, tired, stressed, and snappy lately. I'll get over it, I always do. I just wish I understood why I feel this way. Anyway, I'm off.

OKay, I'm gonna sound very Pop Princess like

2006-02-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

but I swear I'm really not. But I just recently heard of a video called Stupid Girls by Pink. I downloaded it and - surprisingly - loved it. It's really quite funny, as it makes fun of Paris Hilton. Cliche and tired, I know. But still, who doesn't like making fun of her? She makes it so easy. Anyway, what surprised me was that there was an actual message behind the song. It wasn't just some kind of bullshit about soda. (Yes, that was a crack on Britney Spears. Deal with it.) I always though Pink was much sexier than Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan. I'll admit to finding Jessica Simpson attractive, but with her lips looking like a platypus that got sucker punched in the face, Pink wins this round. But now not only do I think she's pretty, but I have a new song that I love. I can't wait to show Dom. He'll love the video.

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Maybe if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Yoga, Darth Vader, and Breasts

2006-02-08T23:41:00.000-08:00

What the hell is the connection between them? Other than they can both cause excruciating pain. I downloaded a yoga video earlier during a burst of actual motivation. (I didn't do it yet, all that mouse clicking used up all the motivational energy.) So I was skipping through it and I heard the man say when you do this exercise correctly, your breath should sound echo-ey, similar to Darth Vader. That intrigued me, so I continued skipping through it. All throughout the damn thing there was this tiny little woman stretching in these awkward Kama Sutra-like poses and I realized soemthing. You can't do half of the poses if you have breasts. This woman had no damn curves whatsoever. So bending herself in half so her face is planted on the floor between her feet while her arms are stretched behind her and she's hissing "Luke, I am your father" will prove to be no problem for her. Those of us who are well endowed, have some cushion on our bodies, and have all of our ribs will have a difficult time with it. I mean, feather lady may have no problem with gravity, but I'm on a diet for a reason and I'm a freakin' double D. Things are gonna be aiming at the floor and if I bend completely over to get my head to rest on my feet, I may just smother myself. I can see the headlines now. "Young Local Woman Suffocates in Own Cleavage." Perhaps yoga isn't for me. Maybe there's an exercise video that's more my pace. Like Power Sleeping. Or Burn Fat Through Channel Surfing. Or perhaps a video for the more endowed of us. On the plus side, I can use my girls as dumbells. And if I ever get stuck at sea, I have built in flotation devices.

Comment?

2006-02-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, I checked my blog a few minutes ago, and noticed that someone commented on my previous entry. However, when I went to read it, it says no comments yet. Anyone know what's up? Thanks ahead of time...

Orgasmic Low Carb Chocolate Dessert

2006-02-03T02:56:00.000-08:00

I downloaded the South Beach book to look at recipes and read up on it. Anyway, I was browsing through it and as a recommendation for desserts, it suggested making the most of low fat ricotta cheese. So I found a huge container of skim ricotta cheese on sale for $3.99 and I picked it up. So I followed a recipe with just a little change. The texture is a little weird, but it tastes good and it's pretty low in carbs. So here you go.

1/2 cup of ricotta cheese
1 teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa powder*
1 packet of sugar substitute (I use Equal since Splenda tried to kill me)
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla
dusting of expresso powder**

Mix ricotta, cocoa, sugar substitute, and vanilla. Blend really well and chill. The colder it is the better it tastes.

*I add a pinch or so more of cocoa powder if it's not chocolatey enough. Be careful with how much you add, since it will get really dry if you add too much.

** I couldn't find expresso powder in my store. I checked out the palce where you ground the coffee yourself but it was like $8 a pound and I couldn't find the bags. So I found little sample packs of coffeee, the kind that make a full pot, for $.99. So I grabbed the chocolate raspberry flavor and instead of the expresso powder, I add about 1/4-1/2 of a teaspoon of the coffee grounds to it and stir it well.

Who says Soutbh Park is unintelligent?

2006-02-03T02:04:00.000-08:00

The parts in italics are the parts I agree with.

Skeeter: I'm a little bit country.
Randy: Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll!
Skeeter: I'm a little for supportin' our troops.
Randy: And I'm a little for bringin' them home.
Skeeter: I believe freedom isn't free.
Randy: No, but war shouldn't be our goal.
Skeeter: We must defend our country.
Randy: If it means war, then we say NO!
Skeeter: Did you forget them towers in New York?
Did you forget how it made you feel
To see them towers come down?
Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?
Randy: I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock Iraq!
The only kind of rockin' America should do is the kind that we can all dance to, yeah!
Skeeter: We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned lead.
We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch will be dead.
Randy: Why are we fightin' this war?
There's a man in the office we didn't vote for.
They didn't give me a choice.
War is not my voice!

Ding dong the dick is dead!!

2006-02-02T23:39:00.000-08:00

Dom and I have gotten into Beauty and the Geek. I have not been able to stand the "geek" Chris. His arrogance pissed me off to no end and Dom and I have been desperate for Chris and Tristan to get kicked out. They were sent to the elimination round twice and won both times, sending away Thais and Tyson in the process - a couple we really liked. Tonight they were put up against Cher and Josh, probably my favorite couple in the house, and they were finally eliminated. As my title says : Ding dong the dick is dead! I didn't dislike Tristan, I just really couldn't stand Chris. I actually felt kinda bad for Tristan, she was crying so hard before she went into the elimination room. Not only was she sent to the elimination room, but Chris basically called her stupid. You have no idea how fast he would have been kicked into a wall had he said that to me. Violent? Me? Never. Anyway, tonights episode was really cool. The guys got makeovers and had to speed date. I personally preferred Josh before he got his makeover, I loved the shaggy hair thing and he looked just so damn cute! Wes, however, was fucking gorgeous when he got his makeover. Holy shit, even I would date him. Dom smacked me with my teddy bear when I said that, but it was gently and playfully. And next week Cher and Wes hook up and poor Josh is left wondering where he's gonna sleep. Poor guy. Anyway, woo hoo! Chris is gone! *does happy dance*

Woo hoo!!!

2006-01-31T23:30:00.000-08:00

I was watching a downloaded ep of Supernatural earlier and one of the brothers was talking about how much daytime TV sucks and: "That fabric softener teddy bear... ooh. I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down." I'm so happy someone else is completely creeped out by that damn Snuggles bear. Even if it is a fictional character on a television show. But anyway, that bear has scared the shit out of me ever since I was a little kid. Creepy little bastard.

Money money money!

2006-01-31T04:13:00.000-08:00

I have a weird issue. Dom and I are on a very limited income. We split the cost of the PSEG bill and the cable and my parents don't make us pay rent so we're pretty okay with that. But Dom goes to school and has transportation fees, school supplies, books, etc. so for the most part food is my responsibility. We both have special diets- I'm on Atkins, he can't have dairy and hates vegetables- so I usually have to figure out meal plans as we go. I always shop sales but money is still usually tight. But anyway, Dom spends $5 a day, for days a week, on a cab to take him less than 8 blocks. My problem is, I'm jealous and I resent the fact that he can so easily do that. I mean, I watch everything I spend, and I walk home from the store with 14 pounds of cat litter and several bags of groceries quite often as opposed to spend the $5 on the cab ride. I mean, yeah, if I go to the store and buy one of those cases of diet soda, I'll cab, but I always try to walk if I can. I just hate myself for being jealous that he can spend the $80 a month so freely. It's his money, he should be able to do what he wants with it, without my having any feelings about it. But I can't help my jealousy/resentment and whenever he brings up cabs, I can't stop myself from making snarky comments or thinking angry/mean thoughts. What the hell is my problem? It shouldn't even be an issue and I don't know why. I hate myself for that.

Two Things....

2006-01-28T03:32:00.000-08:00

Number 1: Diet Black Cherry Vanilla is now my favorite soda. Try it and you'll love it. Seriously.

Number 2: Sex is one hell of a stress buster. :)

Bad News

2006-01-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

My mom went to see my grandfather today. Basically, he has at most a year to live. I really don't feel like talking about it so I'm gonna go.

Can't think of a title

2006-01-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

My mom went to see my grandfather today and when I got off the phone with her a few minutes ago, she sounded upset. I'm not sure if he hurt her feelings, if it was her cocksucking brother who said something, or if she's just upset her father is sick. He had surgery and it went well, but he's in his 80s so it's pretty much touch and go with him. He might recover almost completely or he might not make it at all. I can see how that would upset her. Anyway, the faucet in the shower is broken, I don't have the money to fix it, and it's the landlord's responsibility anyway. The faucet will turn the water on, but we can't control the temp. So basically, if you wanna shower, you have to scald yourself. So I've been waiting all day for the landlord to come by and fix it after speaking to him in the morning and he never showed. Bastard. Dom came home from school about an hour or so ago and din't even hug me. I forgot what it's like when he is in school. Now he's just searching for a new motherboard since his computer is broken, but this is what i have to look forward to until summer. Less attention, less affection, less of everything really. I asked him to play a game with me on the xbox. His response? "No," and he put his headphones back on. I sound like an attention whore, and maybe I am a little, but I hate having to compete for his time. It's not like I'm unreasonable about it. Hell, I did some of his English work last semester. I don't care if he has schoolwork or whatever. But is it too much to ask for a freakin' hug or a game? And then he tried to soften his no by saying he'd play another shorter game with me. Gee, thanks. I dunno. I'm just pissy, I don't feel well, and I'm tired. I'll get some sleep later and everything should be cool tomorrow.

Race Issues

2006-01-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

I'm watching 7th Heaven - yeah, I'm that bored - and the theme of the episode is racism. There's a new black student, Alex, in school who wanted to write a report on Martin Luther King. The teacher told him to do it on someone else since MLK has his own day. This other kid, Martin, fucked up his wording and basically said baseball is more important that MLK. So the teacher changed the assignment. Instead of just writing a report on an important historical figure, they had to write it on an important historical black figure. The baseball team is pissed at Martin for getting a new assignment for them and someone wrote something racist on his car. Now he's refusing to wash his car or move it out of the schools parking lot until the person who did it cleans it off. Anway, Martin is trying desperately not to offend anyone and he keeps tripping over his words and it struck something in me. I'm bi-racial - my mom is Irish and my dad was Spanish - and I'm dating Dom, who is black. See, right there, I felt weird about my wording. I mean, what's the politically correct term for describing him? African American? Black? Ethnic? I mean, what the hell, either way, I feel uncomfortable referring to his race to someone other than him. Sometimes even to him. I mean, we joke around about how I'm a white girl and how some of the things I say sound really white. I mean, on our way to the store yesterday, we saw a group of little girls having a picnic in the corner of the Pathmark parking lot. (There's a grassy area over there.) I made a comment about it and Dom was like, "White people have their kids do the weirdest things. They just send their kids to have picnics in barren wastelands. You don't see that shit in the ghetto." And I was like, "Yeah, if you were in the ghetto, they'd be playing basketball." See, between us, there was nothing wrong with it. I didn't mean it in a racist way at all! But now, just typing it, I felt guilty like I did something wrong. Why the hell is race such a touchy topic? It's simple. I'm not racist, I never have been racist, and I never will be racist. My boyfriend is a different race and I love him. We can discuss race and make comments about race without hurting one another. I think the "N" word is the most foul word in the English language. So I don't understand why I feel guilty or uncomfortable discussing race in general. Anyway, I'm tired of ranting and I still have to cook, so I'm off. I wanna maid to do my cooking for Dom when I'm sick. Or I want a lot of money so I can just order when I'm sick. How the hell do parents do it for their kids? Ugh. I resent having to be the domestic-ish one.

Someone call the morgue

2006-01-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

cuz I'm dying. The first thing my mom said when she saw me was, "You sound like an effeminate man and you look like shit. I don't wanna hear or look at you. Go back to bed." My boyfriend, however, is a sweetheart. He's picking up some cold medicine for me on his way home from school. I feel icky. I'm so damn glad I bought that Carb Options chicken soup yesterday. It only has 4g of carbs. I love their stuff actually. They make an alfredo sauce I'm planning on picking it up once I get some extra money. They make salad dressing as well. I love the ranch flavor. It's sweetened with Splenda, which damn near kills me but I've never gotten sick from the dressing. (Speaking of, watch out for Splenda. I had two of those Fruit Refresher drinks last night and my stomach was throbbing all night. I had a low carb cupcake that was sweetened with Splenda and I spent the entire night throwing up. Read this for info on some of the symptoms Splenda can cause.) Damn, now I'm hungry. I'm gonna go make a wrap and some tea.

Waaahh!

2006-01-23T03:15:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a cold. I have a headache, a sore throat, and most likely a fever. I have that whole "I'm freezing cold but still sweating" thing going on. Ugh. I'm going to sleep. G'night.

"I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it."

2006-01-22T04:34:00.000-08:00

Now that I got your attention with that quote from a comedian on HBO, on to my post-teenage angst. I'm about to kill everone in the house and then myself. I'm the first to admit that I have an abnormally sensitive ear to sound. I can hear conversations from three rooms away and believe me, it's not fun. So when someone has music on loud enough for me to hear, I get very disgruntled. For the past few weeks, I've remained calm when my downstairs neighbor has turned her music on loud. However, at 2:30 this morning, she began blasting her music. I waited a little while and then woke my mom up to ask her to turn it down. My mom went downstairs and the stupid whore was drunk. She said she'd turn it down when she got off the phone. I waited and finally couldn't stand it anymore. I went for a walk all the way to the store and back, which equals a mile. I was planning on sleeping on the benches in front of the store but it was freezing so I came home. To guess what? Her music was still on! I woke my mom up again, and we argued. She just kept saying she wasn't going to knock on her door at 3:30 in the morning and tell her to turn her music down. Well, why the fuck not? She's keeping me awake. If she were keeping my mom awake, she'd have an issue with it. But since it's me, it doesn't matter. I got pissed and grabbed a knife, fully intending to run downstairs, grab Trailer Tramp by the throat and tell her to turn her shit down before I introduce her to her innards. But my mom got in the way. I put the knife down, opened our door, and screamed downstairs for her to shut it the fuck off. I pop into my room after a few more minutes of screaming with my mother and guess what? Music is off. If I knew it was that simple, I'd have skipped going for a walk in the cold when my throat hurts already. I come in the room and Dom is weird. He's upset and nervous and thought I was trying to hurt myself. Understandable. But it got touchy and he got pissy. Which made me nervous cuz he tends to throw things. So now things are all tense and uncomfortable and I'm not sure what to do. Depending on his mood, he either wants to talk and will get mad if I say we can wait til we're calm, or he wants to just stop talking and gets angry when I continue. So I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to go to sleep since I have to get up early, get a prescription filled, and get some groceries. Fucking drunken slut downstairs drives me outta my mind. I just feel bad for her kids. It can't be healthy growing up with a drunk for a mother. I wish there was something I could do for them. Anyway, I'm off to approach Dom and try to feel him out. We were laughing at the comedian though, so he might be cool.

Interesting Things Said To Me Today

2006-01-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

"Oh, I'm so sorry, my tits are sagging to my knees. But yours look amazing!" Said to me while they placed their hands on my breasts and squeezed.

"Oh my goodness, you lost weight! I can see it in your waist and ass!" Said to me while they had theirs hands on my ass.

"You know, women are better than men when it comes to sex. They ripen as they age. Men just go soft and rot."

"To hell with cleaning house. If a man wants his house cleaned, tell him to hire a butler. Not a maid, because men are sexual creatures and you'll come home to find him pounding her snootch to the wall. But if it's a man maid, you can get your snootch pounded by your husband and the help."

"If you want to get money from a man without putting out, keep your legs crossed and your mouth open. But never swallow!"

"I cried when Kennedy was assassinated. But we need to let him out of jail, give him a rifle and stick him within a mile of the dumb fuckin' son of a bitch we have in office now."

"When I die, I'm leaving you my dining room furniture, my jewelry, my grandfather clock, and the clock in the living room. And a substantial amount of money. You can sell whatever you don't want ut I want you to promise me you'll spend some of the money on luxury. You can get a nice television set. They have color ones now!"

"Megan, you're so beautiful. Don't fuck it up by giving the milk away for free. Just give a sample once in a while after a nice dinner."

"If you want to lose weight, dance. It's fun. There's a song out about dancing now, come to think of it. Oh how does it go? To hell with it! It's about a seventeen year old dancing queen."

"You know, when you reach my age, don't let anyone tell you being with a woman is sinful. Most of the men are dead at my age anyway and there's nothing wrong with licking a little pussy."

"Screwing is good but be choosey. I haven't had sex in about four years."

Ladies and gentlemen, all of the above were said to me by my 89 year old grandmother.

Weirdness

2006-01-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

Well, the turkey meatloaf was good, I didn't really taste the pork rinds and they were bbq flavored. I had salad with it and that's what caused my latest boyfriend issue. I use low carb ranch dressing and Dom hates the smell of it. I was eating on the bed and when I was finished, I put my plate down on the bed until I felt like getting up to put everything away. I wound up putting it on his side of the bed, which made him unhappy. So I got up and put everything away. I didn't understand what the big deal was. I mean, I understand that he doesn't like the smell and he didn't want it to leak on the bed, but he even went so far as to say "it wan't right." Well, excuse the fuck out of me! It was just something simple I did without thinking.. You'd swear I dumped the bottle of dressing on the bed. "It wasn't right." What the hell? Am I the only one who thinks that claiming my putting a plate on the bed "wasn't right" is a bit extreme? So things are somewhat tense with us. I don't think I did anything wrong. Absentminded? Yes. Wrong? No. And I don't exactly know what to say to him because I don't know how to explain what exactly is upsetting me. I do know that his deinal that anything he said or did was extreme is driving me out of my mind. It is too late, I am too tired, and it is way too close to my monthly for this. Any advice or suggestions? Cuz I'm about to choke him. Please, does anyone have any suggestions or ideas??

I've lost 19 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-01-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

Or 304 ounces, 8.62 kilos, 1.4 stone, or 84.5 newtons. Hell yeah!!!!! This makes me very happy. And I learned I can use ground up pork rinds as breadcrumbs. So I'm trying turkey meatloaf tonight with BBQ pork rinds. I'll let you know how that turns out.
*singsong* I lost 19 pounds... I lost 19 pounds... I lost 19 pounds!!!

So fucking close it's creepy...

2006-01-18T03:31:00.000-08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

My grandfather has stomach cancer

2006-01-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

and I'm not sure how to feel. I know that sounds cold hearted but it's the truth. There's a lot to our relationship. When I was born, he disowned my mom for "giving birth to a spic half breed." (My father was Spanish and my mom is Irish.) Eventually, my grandmother got him to spend time with me and he and my mom started a new kind of relationship. He would refer to me as "the spic" but he'd give me a hug and a kiss whenever he saw me. he'd send me money for my birthday and Christmas and gave me rides to and from school when I needed. He said I shamed the family when I was raped, but then sent me a get well soon card and flowers when I overdosed on pills a year later. He always makes my mom cry. Always. He was very abusive to her throughout her life and I'm angry on her behalf. I'm angry for all the times he favored my uncle, for all the times he hit her, for all the times he called her any names, for all the times he treated her like shit. I'm angry for every time she'd get off of the phone with him, sobbing because of what he said. But I don't want him to die. I don't want him to suffer. I hate him for all the bad times and I love him for all the good. When my grandmother died, he was devastated. I've never seen someone cry that hard before. They were together for almost 60 years and she was his life. She was everything to him, she did everything for him. He was damn near helpless when she died. But he learned to cook and clean for himself, which is amazing since he was 81 years old when she died. He's 84 now and he told my mom today that he doesn't want any treatment that will cause him pain. He'd rather be with my grandmother. My heart literally hurts thinking that. I feel bad that he's sick, I feel horrible that he might just let himself die to be with my grandmother, and I feel even worse that I don't feel worse. When my dad died, I could hardly get out of bed. When my grandma died, I cried for weeks. Now he might be dying and I'm sad about it, I mean, I'm crying now, but I'm okay. If he dies, I'll be okay. And I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like I should feel worse. I'm going to go see him sometime this week. I just don't know what to say. Anything I say will sound stupid. "Gee, I'm sorry you're dying" will sound bad because he wants to die. Saying, "Well, you'll see grandma soon" will sound like I want him to die. I don't know what I should say or how I should feel. I just know I should feel worse.

Movie Night

2006-01-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

Dom and I are watching Saving Private Ryan together for the first time. It's actually my first time ever seeing it and while I already had tears streaming down my face watching this poor guyfind his arm and carry it with him, some of the things they say are fucking hilarious. Take these for example.

Tom Hanks sends a sniper running through the line of fire to take out a few gunners
Soldier Guy 1: You know, if your mother saw you do that, she'd be very upset.
Tom Hanks: I thought you were my mother!

After a few German soldiers stand up with their hands raised and try to explain that they're surrendering. One of the Germans mentions comrade.
Soldier Guy 2: "'Comrade?!' You son of a bitch!!!!"

Another note: I was not aware Vin Diesel was in this movie. Drool.

Sick fucking people

2006-01-15T01:24:00.000-08:00

Click here. I have honestly never been so disgusted in my life. How can anyone do that to a child? Even more mind boggling: how the fuck can you allow someone to even harm your child, let alone beat them to death? I don't have kids yet, I'm not even sure if it's possible for me to have kids with all the scar tissue, but I can tell you right now that if anyone were to raise their hand to my child, whether it's my husband or my own mother, I will put a knife through their throat before they can blink. I can't imagine allowing someone to even spank my child. I just seriously can't believe how they treated that little girl and no one did a fucking thing about it. I mean, I know it's BedStuy but come the fuck on! Someone at protective services fucked up and they need to step forward and admit it. And I'm not a huge fan of the death penalty, but in my heart of hearts, I truly believe the man who killed her needs to be killed in the same way. Forced to eat cat food, forced to relieve himself in a litter box, tied to a chair, and beaten to death. And the mother - I use that term loosely - deserves worse. Lethal injection is too good for some people.

Yes, that's right...

2006-01-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

marvel at my genius!! Bwa ha ha ha!!!

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 6/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

Note: It's only been like six or seven years since I was in eighth grade. Damn, I feel stupid. Although I always was more of a reader than anything else.

Feeling better

2006-01-09T01:16:00.000-08:00

so I'm not gonna dwell on my mini breakdown a few days ago. However, Dom took me out to lunch the day after my little freak out and it was really fun. I had a cheeseburger and french fries - yeah, my diet was shot, so what, I'm back on it now - and he noticed that I eat my burgers upside down. I didn't know that, it's just the way I eat but he found it hilarious and is apparently ecstatic that his "girlfriend's quirky." I eat my burger like this from the bottom bun up: bottom bun, cheese, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, beef, top bun. He finds it hysterical that I build my burgers that way. It's upside down to him. *shrugs* I can't remember a time that I didn't eat it that way. Also, I eat ice cream weird. If I'm eating a pint/quart/gallon/bucket of ice cream, I dig around the edges. I like my ice cream soft and the edges get soft before anything else. It drives Dom crazy. He hates it. "Ice cream shouldn't move!" So yeah, I'm gonna get some sleep. G'night.

Can't take this feeling

2006-01-07T03:10:00.000-08:00

Help me please. Someone please help me. I can't take this anymore. Please help me.

Issues

2006-01-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, this might not make sense to anyone but me so forgive me. I'm in a serious relationship with Dom and because of that, its kind of my job to take care of him. That includes taking the blame for anything he breaks, cleaning up for him - although I'm really messy so I'm not too good with that- and cooking for him. I love my boyfriend, but I get tired very often and there are times, sometimes even days at a time, where I feel like if I have to take care of one more fucking thing I'm going to scream. And cooking is a daily thing. And it's even harder since we both have "special" diets. I'm on low carb so I'm eating a lot of meat and veggies. Dom can't eat any dairy, he doesn't like spaghetti, and he also can't eat very many veggies. So our diets are very different. He's also kind of a food snob and I'm traumatized by early in our relationship when I was constantly being compared to his mother. He also loves plain white rice which I cannot stand and I suck at cooking. Like 35 billion people in the world eat rice on a daily basis and my attempts at rice either turn out crunchy or mushy. I can't do it. So yeah, tonight is one of the nights where I just really don't want to cook. We wound up arguing and I just don't feel like eating. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I'm resenting the fuck out of the fact that Dom never has to cook. So I don't even want to cook, let alone eat. Dom's response to that is, "Well, if you're not eating, I don't want to eat." And then he said that I'm not eating just to prove a point. Needless to say, I'm not speaking to him unless he talks to me first. Immature? Most likely. But fuck it. That was a really fucked up thing to say. So my night will probably consist of playing games on the Xbox, downloading more TV shows with BitComet, watching TV, or reading. I'm trying to decide between A Seperate Peace or Memoirs of a Geisha. I guess I'll decide when I'm ready to read. I really can't think of anything else that would be safe to say. I'll wait until I'm a little less pissed to update again.

Has anyone ever...

2006-01-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

had a strange conversation? Not just a little odd, but the kind of conversation where you know if anyone overheard you, they'd cross the street and keep looking back at you as though expecting you to start rampaging at any second. Yeah, Dom and I had one of those last night. I was playing Crazy Taxi 3, he was on the computer, and somehow our conversation turned towards being trapped on an island. Dom mentioned that urine is supposed to be better to drink than ocean water and our conversation went something like this:

Me: Well, if we were trapped I'd have to rely on you then cuz I don't pee enough.

Him: No, it's my pee!

Me: What? So, if we were trapped together you wouldn't share your pee? You'd let me dehydrate to death?

Him: No, it's my pee! I'm thirsty!!

Lovely to know my boyfriend won't let me drink his pee. :)

Yet another question...

2006-01-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

I'm relaxing with a glass of wine and I was wondering about it. It was given to us by our neighbor and it's pretty expensive. I was just wondering why it gets better as it ages. Does anyone know? If so, please leave a comment.... Thanks!

Important note to self.

2006-01-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Note to self:

DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. ON CHRISTMAS OR ANY OTHER DAY IT TURNS OUT BADLY AND SHIT GOES TO HELL. DO NOT CELEBRATE ANYTHING. NO ANNIVERSARY, NO EASTER, NO FOURTH OF JULY, NO HALLOWEEN, NO THANKSGIVING, NO CHRISTMAS, NO BIRTHDAY. NOTHING THAT USUALLY MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY. NOTHING!

End of note. Needless to say, my parents suck and Dom and I are fighting.

This fucking bastard is going to rot in hell

2006-01-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

Click if you have a strong stomach.

Happy New Year!!!

2006-01-01T00:56:00.000-08:00

I'm alive! Either the curse is broken or itt was one hell of a coincidence. Nothing bad happened. I'm shocked. Granted, I did stay indoors and harassed Dom constantly by asking if he felt alright and if he was alive. But no one died or got hurt! My grandmother is out of the hospital and my mom's stomach bug went away already. My dad feels better as well. So right now, the only thing I have to worry about is getting back on my diet; I ran out of money so I couldn't afford any veggies. Anyway, this is the second New Year I've spent with Dom and I'm hoping for many more. Happy New Year everybody!! I hope you all have a great night of drinking and a bunch of Midol for your hangover. Trust me, it works, even for men.) And hey, at least there's no work on Sundays anyway! And thanks to everyone who commented or emailed to make sure I was alright. I'm fine really, glad that my loved ones and I got through the holidays unscathed. And now, for something totally unrelated to New Year. Dom and I went to the store earlier and we passed by that gym/weight loss thing Curves. They had a mirror on the outside of the door with a sign next to it with "Unhappy with those extra pounds?" Perfect way to depress someone and get money. Too bad Curves is two stores down from a pizza parlor and less than 100 feet from a McDonalds. Still a nice way to get people to come in. Anyway, I'm having trouble with my attention span today so I'm gonna go. Happy New Year...again.

Still alive...

2005-12-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

but wishing I weren't at the moment. My mom is sick, my grandmother is sick, my dad has been complaining about his kidney, and Dom and I have to go to the doctor later because I missed yesterdays appointment. Right now I'm sitting on my bed sobbing my heart out because I am honestly terrified of today and I just feel really moody. Fucking birth control pills and four year curse.. I'll update later if I didn't get hit by a bus on my way to the doctor.

The Four Year Curse

2005-12-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

Every four years something bad happens around Christmas. So here we go:

Eight years old - On Christmas day, my biological father tried to kill himself. My mom and I spent the day in the emergency room with him. After he was checked into the psych ward, my mom and I went home. When we got there, the fire department was there. Our Christmas ham caught fire in the oven and the neighbors saw smoke and called the police. The smell of the smoke was too strong, so we spent the night in a hotel, eating out of the vending machine because the restaurant was closed.

12 years old - December 26th, my mom tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists in front of me. I found her sitting on the edge of the bath tub covered in blood. My moms roommate got scared and ran out of the house. I called the police and after they took her to the hospital - I was too young to go - I cleaned up the blood. I did get to spend New Years with my grandmother who I was really close to though.

16 years old - December 27th, my grandmother - the one I was close with - died. She got sick on Christmas, collapsed the 26th, and died on the 27th. We never found out why.

I'm 20 this year and if the pattern sticks, something should happen on the 28th. Already, I fucked up today. My mom is making a casserole I love so I'm going to eat with her. She offered to buy something special for Dom since he can't eat what I'm going to. Dom loves fish, and I can't stand it. The smell makes me sick to my stomach and the small sticks to me until I shower. No one in my house eats it; my mom hates it, my dad throws up when he eats it, and I have to force myself to even taste it. But I figured I don't make it for him often, so it might be a nice treat for him. So I planned on getting him some whiting. I mentioned it to Dom and he said that the canned kind are cheaper. If I get the kind in the can, I'd have to fry it and the smell is horrible to me. And I always wind up feeling guilty and horrible that I hate the smell and that he can't really have it. I mean, as it is, I have to lie to my dad about what I'm cooking. It's a lot of trouble to make fish and the only reason I do it is for Dom. And then I feel guilty that I can't make it for him often. Well, I'm fucking sorry, but no one here likes fish. The only reason I ever even buy it or make it is for Dom because no one else can stomach it. So anyway, I'm on my monthly, it's the goddamn holidays, Dom and I are arguing about some fucking fish, I'm broke, I'm tired, I'm worried about the 28th, and I hate this fucking holiday! I honestly can't stand it, I want to be Jewish or something, I don't want to be here right now. I wish I could just go to a hotel until New Year to be by myself. I think I'm going to save up this year to be able to afford that. Fuck this. Let everyone else just take care of everything themselves. I just want to be by myself with a TV, personal cd player, and a few books. That's all I want.

Well, my holiday has started.

2005-12-24T03:41:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a cold sore on my lip and I had a conversation with my mother about who is going to get hurt, maimed, or killed on the 28th. (The day that something bad should happen if the pattern stays the same.) Our conversation went something like this.

Me: Mom, I'm staying in on the 28th so if you need me to go to the store, make sure it's the 27th or the 29th, okay?

Her: It's been four years already? Fuck! I'm staying in too. Grandma's in the hospital still, I hope she doesn't get worse. So on Wednesday, either she's going to die or you're going to kill yourself.

Me: Huh? What the hell? Why am I going to kill myself??

Her: Oh, you know you. You hate the holidays, they depress you. Frankly, you act like Rudolph kicked you in the nuts.

Me: *cracking up* Mother! Don't talk about nuts in front of me, that's disgusting!

Her: Okay, okay. Did you do something new to your hair?

Me: I straightened it.

Her: It looks nice. Make sure you do that WEdnesday morning before you kill yourself okay? This way I won't have to pay extra for them to fix your hair.

I love my mommy. We have such loving conversations.

Walkin Round In Womens Underwear

2005-12-23T03:43:00.000-08:00

is hilarious. I think I'm gonna listen to that instead of the usual Christmas stuff I put on to get in the holiday spirit. At least I'll be laughing instead of faking a smile or trying not to cry. Thanks, Ivy. Once again, you helped pull me out of my crappy mood.

All I Want For Christmas is a Prozac

2005-12-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, my moods have been flopping around like a dying trout since Thanksgiving. It's partly me, partly my "new" birth control pill, and mostly the fucking holidays. I'm moody to begin with but this is crazy. My stupid ass doctor prescibed me a birth control pill I had tried a few years ago and it made me bloated and moody, so I have to go back to the docotr and get the correct prescription. Also get her to call the fucking pharmacy and give them whatever number they need to fill the other prescriptions I haven't had in weeks. As far as the holidays go, I love them and hate them all at once. I love them because the decorations are pretty, your family is usually nicer to you, and you exchange gifts. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. I hate them because strangers are rude and you can't go anywhere without some fucking charity hitting you up for money - by the way, charity people, please do not stalk me all the way outside when I attempt to walk by you. There is a reason I am doing that: I'm fucking broke and don't feel the need to empty a sugar free gum wrapper and two pennies into your fucking bucket. And crazy Santa people, please do not ring the bell when I am less than three feet away. I am aware of your presence, I'm just ignoring you. Not to mention the goddamn music!!!!! I don't want to walk around the damn store humming "Have a holly jolly Christmas" to myself. The songs usually sound like crap, and people think I'm talking to myself because I can't get it out of my head and I wind up singing it. Then I come home and annoy my family by getting it in their heads. It's a vicious cycle. So please, business owners, post a warning if you are going to play any catchy Christmas songs, so I can avoid you. The only place that's safe to shop right now is 7-11. And even they have those freaky little stuffed reindeer. I know I'm a scrooge right now but bah fucking humbug! I don't care. My grandmother is in the hospital, I have my period, I have that song Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas stuck in my head, I have to restart a video game because I missed an important part, I'm getting a cold, I'm broke, I can't even afford to get to the damn doctor, and there's still 12 days until my bad luck time is over. Andway, I'm off to hit myself repestedly about the head to get this song out of there. With my luck, I'll pick something with a fucking Christmas bow on it.

A bit better

2005-12-21T04:28:00.000-08:00

I don't feel quite as homicidal as I did a few days ago but I still feel touchy and somewhat off. I'm going to assume it's just the holidays, my missing my dad and grandmother, PMS, and just plain old being tired. I haven't had a full nights rest in weeks, I'm stressed about money, next Tuesday its gonna be four years since my grandmother died, next Monday it'll be eight years since my mom tried to kill herself, and this will be my eleventh Christmas without my real dad. As much as I love the holidays, they are just too much stress and kick my ass every year. I always miss the people who aren't with me and fight with the ones that are. And I'm gonna have my monthly visitor on freakin' Christmas! But all my shopping is done, we have enough food for a while, and if I go to sleep now, I can get a full 5 hours of sleep before I have to get up and go see my grandmother. Then on Thursday I have to go into Newark to exchange my moms gift for Dom since it's the wrong size. Then on Friday, hopefully I won't have to do a damn thing but wrap presents and get a good nights sleep. But for now, I'm getting really creeped the hell out by this chick on Blind Date. She's wearing this Exorcist puke green dress, talking about being buried under a tree when she dies and admitted to dressing up like an old person. Her favorite ice cream flavor is rose water. Now what the fuck is that? I'm not trying to judge but who the hell eats rose water ice cream?? I'm sorry, but I'm more of a double fudge chunk kinda girl. Even a simple chocolate would do. (Okay, I now know why I can't fit into my jeans.) But anyway she just made the poor guy she was on a date with dance to these sounds she was making. They sounded like a dying hyena. It was really annoying. Her whole personality grated me actually. I wanted to put her freaky little head through a wall. Aggression problems? Me? Never! Anyway, I'm off to read a bit and then sleep. Night all.

Feeling Cranky

2005-12-18T17:16:00.000-08:00

For the past few days, I've been really cranky and pissed off. Every little thing has annoyed me and I don't know why. I think it might have something to do with the holidays - I have a love/hate relationship with them - but I'm not sure. I've got all my Christmas shopping done, so I'm relaxed as far as that goes. I mean today for example, Dom and I were supposed to go to Food Basics in Belleville - they have turkeys for $.28 a pound! - but we woke up late and didn't really want to go in the dark. So we decided to wait until Tuesday. It was my idea to wait and I still got pissy/upset about it. And then Dom ran the shower for a minute or so but that translates into three hours of waiting for the water to go down - the tub is horribly clogged. So I got pissed with him for making me wait to take a shower. I don't know what's up with me. Am I just having a bitchy week, is it early PMS, is it the holidays? What the hell is my problem? I know I'm being mean and unbearable, I just can't seem to control my mouth. And poor Dom has to bear the brunt of it. I don't know what to do. What I really want is for this to go away.

Cutest Thing I've Ever Seen

2005-12-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

Today I was on my way back from the store and I saw a bunch of kids playing across the street in a driveway. They looked about 6 or 7 years old and there was only one little girl there. She was playing near the sidewalk and she tripped and fell. She started crying and this little boy just flew over to her, picked her up romance novel style - an arm behind her back and one under her knees - and started screaming for his mom and trying to comfort her. He was struggling to keep her off the ground, was screaming for his mom, and actually kissed her on the top of the head. I guarantee you they are going to get married when they're older. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

Ivy...

2005-12-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

I could talk pretty normally the next day and I was comfortable eating almost anything after like three or four days. If you do allow your daughter to get it, you might want to invest in those weird teeth flossing sticks. They're great to get any stuck food from around the piercing and it doesn't hurt as much as a toothbrush. My dream was weird cuz my mom asked I wasn't wearing it the other day. She actually grew to like it. Funny that she noticed - more than a year after I stopped wearing it. It just kinda lost it's appeal. Think you'll let your daughter get the tongue ring?

Funny Memories

2005-12-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I had a dream last night about my moms initial reaction to my tongue piercing. I was fifteen and I didn't have her permission to get it. Well, it wasn't like she forbade it. She just said she'd chew her arm off and beat me with it before she'd let me get a tongue ring. Okay, so she forbade it. *shame face* So I was in New York with my three best friends, Kelly, Kelly, and Nondo. I had $150 birthday money and we saw a tattoo and piercing place. I was debating on getting a tattoo or a tongue ring. I was looking at tatoo designs on the posters when the guy up front informed me that they checked i.d for tattoos, but not piercing. I look a lot younger than I am so I guess he was giving me a heads up. So I went in the back and got my tongue ring. I've had several piercings - 9 in my left ear, 8 in my right, a tongue ring, and an eyebrow piercing. The eyebrow piercing lasted about two hours before I got annoyed and took it out. The tongue ring was the most painful, hurt more than my tattoo did. (I waited until I was 18 to get that one - a butterfly on my left shoulder.) So after I got it pierced, my friends and I headed home. I walked in and my mother greeted me with her usual, "Hey Meg, did you remember to get me a pretzel?" (She asks for a pretzel whenever I go to New York.) To which I responded, "Nmph, momb, I frggrrrt. Somby." Bad move. She practically leapt out of her chair, ran over to me, and sounded frighteningly like a drill sergeant. "OPEN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!!!" I tried to run but that woman can move when she wants to. She backed me into the bathroom, so I did the only thing I could do. I grabbed the shower hose and threatened to hose her if she didn't stay back. She froze and looked at me like a deer in headlights - for all of two seconds until she realized that it was just water. She started advancing and I had no choice; I turned the cold water on. She jumped backwards, gasping for air as every pore on her body slammed shut and I made a break for it. I got all the way in my room before I heard her running after me. I had several locks on my door, including a chain lock, which I slid on. Saved! (The woman who rented the apartment before us was agoraphobic so Houdini would've been hard pressed to get in or out of there.) She started pounding on the door and threatened to kick it down, so I figured it was safe to open he door with the chain lock on. I cracked the door and saw a hand flying at me. She got my hair and I felt somthing that felt like liquid fire hitting my head. Mommy dearest had gotten water from the fridge and decided to get me back for wetting her. Spiteful wench. Finally I yelled, "I gib ub, Igib ub!!" And she let go. She told me to open my mouth and stick out my tongue. I figured she'd see it eventually anyway so I complied. She looked so horrified when she saw my lil silver stud, it was almost comical. The she did a whole Melrose Place eand on the heart, staggering back gaspoing kind of shocked reaction, I had to laugh. She started screaming that she told me not to get one, and threatened to kill whoever punctured my body. She turned around to go call one of my friends so I had to chase her down the hall to stop her. The whole time I was trying to yell things to her, apologies, comforting words, whatever I could. All that came out was a bunch of crap cuz my tongue was still swollen. Finally, we wound up in the living room and she turned to me to get the name of the place that pierced me. I tried to tell her to calm down but it sounded more like cum town. Eesh. She started shrieking like a banshee. "WHAT?!?! YOU GOT YOUR MOUTH PUNCTURED BY SOMEONE WHO WORKS IN CUM TOWN?!?! WHERE THE HELL IS CUM TOWN?! I"VE NEVER HEARD OF IT!!!" I cracked up. Literally. I laughed so hard I wound up with tears pouring down my cheeks, gasping on the floor cuz my legs gave out. Finally I pulled myself together enough to grab the notepad we kept near the phone for messages and wrote out what I actually said. She looked at it, looked at me, looked at it, looked at me, blinked and then burst into laughter. After peeling ourselves off the floor and changing into dry, she asked to see it again. I showed it to her and she admitted that it didn't look as bad as she thought it would. She got me some warm tea for my tongue and we wound up watching Fear Factor. Sometime during the show, the people had to lay in a container of rats. One of the girls was laying there and the camera showed a rat trying to burrow into her crotch. At that point, my mom looked over at me and said with a completely straight face, "I may have a daughter with a hole in her head, but at least you're not fucking a rat." I really do loive my mother. :)

Does anyone have any idea...

2005-12-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

why my upstairs neighbor has her incredibly loud air conditioner on in 28 degree weather?? We have the damn heat on to keep from freezing. My nipples were hard enough to cut diamonds earlier. I could've gotten a job as a jeweler a few hours ago. But the cold weather is making me feel Christmas-ey. I'm going off my diet for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'm planning on making a huge dinner for Dom and I and no power on this earth will keep me from christmas cookies. We're getting our tree next week, and I already got almost all of my Christmas shopping done. I'm not keeping my hopes up because the holidays usually end badly for me - my mother attempted suicide in front of me when I was twelve the day after Christmas, my grandmother died on December 27th three years ago, we got an eviction notice actually Christmas by a very cruel landlord, the list goes on and on. So I'm not holding my breath for these holidays to be any different, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Realistic, yet optimistic. Regardless of how the holidays turn out, I still love the decorations people put on their houses. Some of them are immaculate and some of them are obviously thrown together at the last minute, but they are all gorgeous. Walking around the neighborhood and looking at decorations is one of my favorite things to do this time of year. I wish it was somthing Dom and I could do together since my two best friends who I used to do this with now live in a different town. Dom hates the cold though, so it's not something we could really do. I know this entry is bouncing around but has anyone ever seen that animated Rudolph show where there's this pretty deer and Rudolph has a thing for her? When she calls him cute, he kinda learns to fly, while yelling, "She thinks I'm cute. She thinks I'm cuuuuute!!!" I really want to tape it this year and I'm not sure if it's just called Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or if it has some snazzy Christmas special title. Anyone know the name? Anyway, I'm tired, I feel kind of sluggish, and I'm hungry so I'm off to remind Dom to pick up some brocolli for me. Later.

Karma is funny

2005-12-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

Dom tormented me all all weekend having me write three English papers and his English final. So tonight, I'm at my wits end trying to bang out his final by morning and I'm getting more and more upset. Dom finally explkains what needs to be said and I'm gonna get him to help write the first paragraph having to do with dedifferentiation and then I can go on from there. But anyway, the karma truck tapped my boyfriend and it was hilarious. Dom was standing at the edge of the bed right below our light when hte light blew out. He jumped, flung his hands up like a crazed church goer, dropped to the floor with his hands over his head, and curled up against the bed. It was fucking hilarious. Hehehehe!

My Boyfriend is MEAN!

2005-12-12T01:15:00.000-08:00

He's making me write his English final and it has to do with reality television and dedifferentiation. If you want to know what that word means, look it up becaus eI don't know and I don't care. I have to finish this by tomorrow for him and he doesn't seem to understand that this is not my paper, I never took that damn class, I don't know what the professor wants, and I don't know what to do!!!!!! Okay, I'm calmer now. Still frustrated and pissed off, but calm. Now I'm off to write his goddamn paper. He's not getting any play from me for at last two weeks.

Whee!

2005-12-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

My bastardization of the Atkins diet is working. My breath smells like Trix cereal which means ketones are being released in my urine and breath. Yay!!! I just have to brush my teeth ten times a day to keep my fruit bat smelling breath under control. My boyfriend was just fighting with a string that was tangled around the Xbox controller. He lost the first round, but won the second. Go, baby, go!

My Very Opinionated View On Smoking

2005-12-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people smoke and I may piss someone off with this, but I don't care. I think smoking is the most disgusting and vile thing you can do to your body. The smell is horrible and smokers tend to either be very rude or very oblivious to the fact that there are some people who prefer to not slowly kill themselves. People walk down the streeet with their cigarettes in their hand and just blow smoke when someone is passing them by. They congregate outside doors to buildings so people have to walk through clouds of it to get inside. They chainsmoke about 15 cigarettes and then sit next to you on the bus reeking so badly so you either have to hold your breath, move, or stand if there are no seats left. They light up right next to you at bus stops, outside stores, or even just walking down the street and don't care that they are choking you. They fill a room up with smoke and don't air it out so non smokers have to hold their breath and shower after they run through the room. They flick their gross cigarette butts on the ground and don't step on them so the smoke is still blowing everywhere and someone else has to step on it so the rest of us don't choke. I don't understand smoking. I don't understand why it's legal. Cocaine is illegal because it's bad for you, it can kill you, it changes your behavior, it's addictive, blah blah blah. Well, so are cigarettes. They're incredibly bad for you, the slowly kill you with emphysema, lung cancer, whatever, and they're addictive. And changing behavior? Have you ever seen someone having a full on nic fit? Please. Not to mention how utterly horrible it looks when an otherwise attractive man or woman walks dwn the street with a smoking stick hanging out of their mouth. I don't get it. Why is this shit even legal? My parents smoke and mymom promised me they'd smoke only one at a time because I can't stand the smell. I walk out there a few minutes ago and my father and my aunt Barbara are both smoking at once. It's so thick I can't even breathe. And they just don't understand that cigarettes burn my eyes, burn my nose and throat, and make me cough. Either that or it's the rude self centered attitude smokers tend to develop. Why is it that all smokers assume everyone else smokes? That we all enjoy the smell of your rotten stale smoke smell? That your yellow teeth and crusty fingers attract us? What is it with that? So if you see me, please please please keep your smoke out of my lungs. You're not just killing yourself, you're killing me and unlike you, I didn't choose it.

Cool Bus Drivers, Christmas Shopping and Shady Money Handling

2005-12-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

So, today didn't wind up too bad. We got a lot more snow than I thought last night. It was only like 4 or 5 inches below my knees. Completely beautiful. So walking out the door this morning, we realize no one shovelled. I shovelled, and Dom mentioned wanting to go upstairs to put on some more layers. While waiting downstairs for him, the glass from the screen door fell out - it had been doing that all morning - and hit me in the head. Thanksully, it didn't break and the door handle stopped it from completely falling out, but it definitely stung a bit. Then we realize just hoe damn far we have to walk in the snow. We made it all the way to the A.J Wright near by and checked out gloves. I "cheated" on my diet by eating one Ghirardelli chocolate covered mint. It had ten carbs in it, but I completely made up for it with all the walking and with dinner tonight. Anyway, for some reason, I was invisible today. I was ignored by three different people when I was asking them a question. *shrugs* So the bus driver went way past our stop so he offered to drop us off at the next stop that would allow us to catch the bus back. He even wrote me a transfer soo I wouldn't have to pay. But the wind was blowing and we were freezing so we said screw it. We got off at Clifton Commons and took a cab to the place where Dom had to pay his college bill. It was incredibly shady. We had to go in the side door of a building that looked like it was closed. Dom called when we were outside and the guy was like, I'll be right out. What the hell? Like my boyfriend is stupid enough to shell out a decent amount of cash in a fucking parking lot. He let us in though and the place looked really grungy and casual. The guy Dom dealt with was wearing sweats and had a NWA cd on his desk. He was cool though. So after Dom paid, we walked a few blocks in the ice and snow to the Kmart where we did a good amount of Christmas shopping. We got almost everything Dom needed to get for my family, except for a scarf for my dad. They were out of black. I also picked up a body lotion set for my aunt Barbara and a candle warmer for me. We also went to Food Basic, which is an incredibly cheap and interesting store. I mean, boneless chicken breasts were $1.48 a pound. So I bought some food, put it in a box since they charged you for bags, and we cabbed it home. I went the whole damn day without falling. Getting out of the cab I slipped on the ice and fell right back into the cab. When I got out of the cab, I slipped and fell. I pulled myself up and went to the trunk of the car where I fell again on ice. I tried to ull myself up, only to slip down into a side split with my legs bent backwards. My butt andother naughty place were actually touching the ground. And I coudn't get a grip to get up so I had to yell for Dom to come get it. Anyone who heard me must have thought I was out of my mind. "Baby, my crotch is freezing!!!! It's cold!!!!!" Followed by grunting and groaning as I tried to get up. He picked me up , we came upstairs and I started dinner. We played Uno in the kitchen while the chicken was cooking. I made him rice while I had broccoli. My carb intake today consisted of the chocolate with 10 carbs, chicken with no carbs, a diet coke with no carbs, broccoli which was 4 carbs, a diet snapple which was 2 carbs, an obscene amount of water with no carbs, and a handleful of grapes which was 3 carbs. So I stayed below my 20 carb a day limit anyway. I'm all proud. :) So now, we're watching South Park and we're gonna play a bit of UNO or Counter Strike before bed. All in all, a pretty cool day. My feet do hurt though and I can't wait to get some slee. Now, my bed calls. G'night.

Let it Snow

2005-12-09T12:12:00.000-08:00

It actually stormed last night. It was really gorgeous out my window. It's not snowing now and we're going to be leaving to go pay Doms college bill off, then Christmas shopping. I woke up in a good mood and now I'm just pissed off. Doing all of this is going to cost me like $15 to go there and back. And it's free for Dom because he has a bus card so the price doesn't bother him much. But since I have to pay for the damn transportation, it really pisses me off. I don't take the bus enough to warrant spending $44 on a bus card. So I'm stuck on days like this spending $15 round trip and Dom doesn't understand why I want to take the way that's cheaper but requires more walking. Gah, men are frustrating. Now we're doing the whole passive aggressive snapping thing we're so good at. I snap at him, and then he snaps at me. And we call each other pet names while doing it so neither one of us comes off like a dick. Fun, right? *shrugs* I'll feel better when I get dressed and I'm on my way. I'm trying to get Dom to buy me lunch, but I doubt he will. Blech. At least it snowed.

Snow?

2005-12-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

My area is supposed to get hit with a storm late tonight and tomorrow. It's supposed to dump anywhere from 4 to 8 inches of snow on us. However, I'm a bit skeptical because of Mondays supposed snow storm. We didn't even get an inch and I was really looking forward to it. I really really hope we get a huge storm tomorrow. Dom and I are going to pay his college bill and do a little Christmas shopping tomorrow so I hope it'll be cold/snowy but not windy. I feel like I'm in a golden show with a snowman when it's windy as well as snowing. Anyway, I did a little bit of Christmas shopping today. I boughtt my dad a pair of leather gloves, a huge thing of peanuts - don't ask, he loves them - and my mom a pair of suede gloves and a sweatshirt. I bought my aunt Barbara this blue coat she was looking at when we went shopping last week and Dom already knows what I got him since he picked it out. But I'm gonna try to keep pretending that he doesn't know. UPS delivered it today so I wrapped it and it's sitting on the TV to torment him. Aren't I a sweet girlfriend? Anyway, I still have to get a couple of things for Dom, so I'm hoping we can get something tomorrow. If it really does snow tomorrow, I'm gonna make roasted chicken breasts, salad, broccoli for me, and rice for Dom. So I have to remember to get broccoli. If it doesn't snow, I'll prolly just make hamburgers or something. I like to cook heavier meals when it's snowy. It's fun making/eating a biggish dinner while watching the snow. I also wanna see if Dom will play in the snow with me. Anyway, I'm gonna go and watch Woman Thou Art Loosed. And maybe watch Madagascar with Dom later. Is it weird that I noticed that the word Madagascar only has the vowel a in it? And now for the random part of my entry.

"Just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! Tolerate means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!" Nice quote, right? Guess what? It's from South Park. One of the most controversial shows on television has one of the best quotes I've ever heard in it. And what's more? I agree with it. I tolerate my parents smoking, my neighbors dogs barking, and people speaking loudly on their cell phones. I don't approve of it because I think smoking is one of the most disgusting things you can do to your body, my neighbors should not keep all of their dogs outdoors at 5 in the morning when people sleep, and people need to realize that I don't want to hear about who their baby daddy is sleeping with when I'm waiting for the bus. And for the love of god, please keep your damn voice down when we are on the bus. Especially when you are standing so close to me I can smell what you had for lunch. Anyway, really, I'm off now.

Little early aren't they?

2005-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

I've been twenty for less than a week and I just got an AARP pamphlet in the mail. What the hell? Yes, I like the taste of prunes, I like some oldies, I like some classical music, I love reading, and I bitch when my neighbors blast their music, but I'm not old enough to need Medicare and I'm not talking about the good ol' days yet. Hell, I'm not even old enough to talk about back in the day. What, am I gonna say, "Back in the day, when I was 12..." So anyway, I was a playful lil bitch and gave the pamphlet to my mother. Who blew me a kiss and flipped me off. :)

Ways to Know You Overdid It On the Lunges

2005-12-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

~Your thighs have a hard feel to them that isn't muscle. You suspect they went to the local armory and got a few pieces of kevlar armor to protect themselves.

~You have to literally flop over onto the bed because your legs hurt too much to bend.

~While in bed you have to call for your significant other to roll you like a log and then pull you up.

~You spend 25 minutes on the toilet because standing would hurt too bad. When you leave, someone asks if you need some Pepto Bismol. You then have to inform them you just peed.

~You rig up a ghetto type of device to pull yourself out of bed for when your significant other isn't there. (Mine is just the little rubber thing with handles. I have one end tied to the door nob, the other end right by the bed, and a bunch of blankets on the floor. I roll off my bed, lay on my back, grab the handle of the rubber thing, and hoist myself up like that.)

~You know you should go to the store, return the videos, check the price of getting your coat dry cleaned, and pick up some Christmas presents, but you honestly can't seem to find the energy to do so and you seriously debate hiring a personal shopper.

~Your significant other rolls his eyes at you and gives you a you-know-you-did-this-to-yourself look everytime you moan about how much it hurts.

~You start researching lunges, only to find out the names of the people who recommend them. You also bought a sniper rifle, a box of dynamite, and a membership to every gym in the neighborhood that offers to teach you "healthy and easy exercises such as scissor kicks, twisted crunches, lunges, and many more." (That's a quote from the gym in my neghborhood.)

~You scream so loudly when you stand up too fast that you sound like a wounded wildebeest and your cat hides from you.

~The only way you can walk is to hobble around like someone shoved a vibrator in the wrong opening and turned it on full power. BBBBUUUZZZZZZZZZ.

One thing I enjoy about low carb

2005-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

is being able to eat bacon and eggs for breakfast. And it's actually a low carb breakfast suggestion in a lot of books. If I do go off this diet, I'm going to miss it. And Ivy and Jules, I can't thank you both enough for the comments on my blog. Everything from just your reactions to my posts to advice about shotgun blasts to the head and dieting with a friend. Really, thank you so much. I seriously can't thank you enough.

Warning: This is going to be depressing.

2005-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Probably because I'm not feeling too well. I woke up this morning when Dom was about to leave and I felt fine, but I had that weird nagging feeling you get when you're forgetting something important. After he left, I was going to go make some eggs, when I realized that I have to call the diet off because of the issues it's bringing out with Dom. So yeah, my day is pretty much already shot to hell. I don't understand. I went about it healthy, I checked with my doctor, I'm taking it slow, I'm doing everything I can to ease his fears about it. I've been doing nothing but trying to assure him I'm not going to slip back into my old eating habits. He would know and so would I. If I felt myself getting out of hand, I'd go off my diet or ease back on the restrictions. He honestly doesn't understand that it's a daily struggle with me, whether I'm on a diet or not.; I felt when I was on the diet. It was only for two days, but it still felt good. I felt like I was actually doing something. I was actually trying to fit into my jeans, maybe get a little bit healthier. And I was met with skepticism and belittlement. There was absolutely no faith in me. None. And, at the risk of sounding very second grade, it hurt my feelings. All I wanted was to fit into my jeans, maybe lose a bit more than that, and have support doing it. I feel ugly the way I am now. I'm overweight, there's no way around that, but I still feel really ugly. Despite what Dom says, I don't see myself as beautiful or sexy. I don't expect some weight loss to change that, but being able to fit into my jeans again would probably at least make me feel a bit better about myself. I don't understand what's wrong with that. I feel ugly, disgusting, grotesque like this. I feel like a monster. I know Dom thinks I'm pretty. But I want to think that. I want to see something attractive about me. I'll never be as thin as I used to, I'll never be a size three. But I want to be healthy, I want to look healthy, I want to feel good about myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not flinch. Or at the very least, be able to look in the mirror and see what I accomplished. And now I won't get the chance. I know I'm supposed to wait to go off the diet until I see my doctor, but I don't know if I can. Dietting for me is like cigarettes. I'm not supposed to quit cold turkey, I'm supposed to ease off of it. But I don't know if I can. I don't think I can face another night like last night. I don't think I can face Dom's obvious disapproval of my diet. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who needed approval to do something they wanted. I hated girls like that. They disgusted me, like why the hell wouldn't you get out of that situation, why are you letting him control you? Now I realize there may be more to it. I mean, Dom hasn't exactly come out and said, I don't want you to be on a diet. All he's said is that he's scared for me. But it's deeper than fear and it's very obvious he doesn't want me to be on this diet. I don't know what to do or say. I love him, but I don't want to go off my diet. I also don't want to fight with him everytime I exercise, or do anything new regarding the diet. I don't know what to do. Talking about it with him doesn't get anywhere. He doesn't understand how it feels to look in a mirror and honestly hate every square inch of what you see. Losing weight might not completely change the way I see myself, but isn't it a start? Why won't he support me in this? Why won't he understand that I'm doing the best I can to ease his fears? Why won't he understand that I'm trying to feel better about myself? He sees me as pretty, why won't he let me? I seriously don't know what to do. I don't want to quit my diet after two days, but I don't want to lose him. I guess I'll have to talk to him about it later. Any advice would be helpful. Wish me luck...

So, the diet is off.

2005-12-07T02:06:00.000-08:00

It lasted a whopping two days. The diet has been causing some problems between me and Dom. Mainly, he doesn't want me to diet. He's afraid I'll get out of control with it. And from the moment I mentioned wanting to diet, he had no faith in me and just belittled my reasons for wanting to diet. (I'm sorry, but I don't think wanting to fit into my favorite pair of jeans again a weird or stupid reason. Is it?) A lot of shit happened tonight that I'm just too tired and upset to type about. Let's just say, as of now, the diet is off and I'm incredibly confused and unhappy.

Okay, someone is getting their ass kicked!

2005-12-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

Who the hell decided lunges were good exercise? I'm sort of following this exercise plan, only I'm actually doing all of them, not stopping after the eight minutes is up. So I did 15 reps with my left leg forward and my knee was about to fall off and I swear, I heard my right leg say, "Do it and die, bitch." I finished anyway, but my legs hurt already. I was planning on doing this everyday, but I think I'll just walk everyday and I'll do the exercise plan three or four days a week. So far today I have went on/done:
~ a forty minute walk - how long it takes to walk to the store and back -
~ 30 complete sit ups, which weren't very painful so I don't know if I'm doing it right or not.
~ 20 crunches
~ 25 leg lift things, per leg - where you lay on your side and lift your leg up as high as you can.
~ 25 bent knee push ups - OUCH!!!!!!
~ 30 lunges, 15 per leg,

I also used that little rubber string thing with the handles. (What is that thing called? I forget...) I just did my old work out when I was in kickboxing. Damn, I'm out of shape now. Anyway, does anyone know anything good for hips and inner thighs? I know they are gonna be a bitch. *shrugs* Oh well, I'm off to do a few more crunches/sit upps, shower, and start dinner. While dinner is in the oven, I might just watch High Tension. Ugh, I know this has nothing to do with this entry, but I forgot to post this when I typed it and the T.V caught my attention. Why why why do people insist on making asses out of themselves when they see a news camera? It's like someone posted a Free Crack sign outside of a rehab center. Everyone just rushes there. I'm trying to watch a breaking news bulletin and all I can focus on is the dumb shits in the background bouncing up and down like ADD kids on speed. Thankfully, one of them fell on their face and they left. I was laughing to hard too catch the end of the report. It'll be on tonight anyway. Okay, really now, I'm off.

The diet gods are against me....

2005-12-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of my "diet" and coming in through my window is the smell of baking chocolate chip cookies. I'd cave in and buy some from the store (I'm not completely cutting carbs out) but I really don't wanna cheat on the first damn day. Will power, Meg, will power. Anyone got any encouragement? Just gotta remember: Fit into my jeans again, fit into my jeans again, fit into my jeans again. Someone toss a bit of encouragement my way. Please?

Unbelievably Cute...

2005-12-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

I fell asleep wicked early last night, so I've been up for about half an hour. I accidentally woke Dom up getting out of bed. Now he's sitting up in bed, snuggled under the blanket, watching the Magic School Bus. Too cute..

The Discovery Channel is hot.

2005-12-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I wanted to be a marine biologist. As I got older, it gradually changed into a dream of becoming a pediatrician. Big jump, I know. Now, I'm grateful my dream changed. If I were a marine biologist, I'd have to live in coastal areas or hurricane areas constantly. Either that, or just teach marine biology. I never understood that. If I'm going to school for x number of years to become a marine biologist, I want to be a marine biologist, not a teacher. Anyway, I think it's shark week or something on the Discovery Channel. The Top Ten Most Dangerous Sharks is on right now, and I learned something that I find equal parts disturbing, fascinating, and hilarious; sharks are bulimic. They are millions of years old, and they binge eat. I suppose that much sushi would make anyone wanna purge though. And the sand tiget shark is vicious as all hell towards its siblings. They automatically seek out their siblings and eat them. Tonight at 10, this foolish man goes into a lion den. One of the cips has him yelling, "It's running, he's running!" in a panicked voice. Well, no shit, dumb ass, it's a predator. It's a not a little tabby cat, this thing outweighs you by 200 pounds. It's not waiting for you to open a can of tuna, you look tasty as a meal for them. I never understood how people were either foolish enough or brave enough to stick their heads in a big cats mouth. I love animals, but not enough to be their food. And look at the size of this monster. It's a liger - child of a male lion and a female tiger - and I believe they are only bred in captivity, but still. The damn thing is huge. Beautiful but huge. Rowr.

Homicidal Rage

2005-12-04T10:56:00.000-08:00

My neighbor has her music up again. It's not as loud as she's had it, but I'm going to have to leave the house soon. Any ideas on how to shut her up? Short of a shotgun blast to anything that makes noise in her apartment?

"Real" Sex???

2005-12-04T02:48:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Real Sex on HBO and I'm wondering how much of it's actually real. There was just some sex toy manufacturer who makes this incredibly realistic life sized male sex doll, complete with a fully "functional" package. Basically, you squeeze the balls and it shoots fake male milk out. Sounds great right? You can see why it'd be a best seller like the company claims as well, right? What about if the thing cost $7,000? I'm sorry but I don't know very many people who'd shell out seven grand for sex. Especially since you could go to a local bar, spend $20 on drinks and come home with someone. Sleazy? Hell yes. More realistic than a sex toy that cost more than my first car? Definitely. Next thing I know, there's a stripper saying that her husband and her have a real marriage. This is a direct quote: "My husband and I share a real marriage. We don't cheat on each other. When we have sex with other people..." blah blah blah. What the hell? You're not cheating but you're screwing other people? I'm sorry but most men would be waiting in the bushes with a butcher knife if their wife cheated. And most women would super glue their husbands dicks to their stomachs and put rat poison in their nightcap. Not cheating? Please...

Fame

2005-12-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know what Paris Hilton is famous for? Besides her night vision sex video and "acting career" on The Simple Life? Why is that woman so damn famous?

Happy Birthday To Me

2005-12-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

December 2nd, 1985 at 1:24 in the afternoon, I popped into this world screaming and crying. Twenty years later, I'm still in this world, only this time I'm laughing. Today was actually quite fun, despite a rocky start. I had a physical today, and I overslept until 10, an hour before my appointment. So Dom called and asked if there were any later appointments today. The lady told him no, and Dom said thanks, he'd call her back. After talking about it, we decide we'll take the cab there. Dom called back to make sure my appointment was okay, and it was fine. When we were waiting for the cab, I had him call to say that I might be a few minutes late, but I'd be there. He was then informed that my appointment was cancelled and the time slot was taken. Dom started trying to explain that the lady didn't mention my appointment being cancelled and get me my appointment back, when I got this burst of anger and grabbed the phone from him. I then proceeded to yell at the lady on the phone. I admit it, I was rude. But in the end, I got my appointment back. I felt guilty for yelling though but Dom said if I hadn't I prolly wouldn't have gotten the appointment back. As he put it, "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." And here I though you attract more flies with honey and all that. Hmm. Anyway, I go to the doctor, she prescribes me a sleeeping pill and migraine meds, tells me I have gained about 10 pounds in the past year, and I need glasses, but other than that, I'm perfectly healthy. She told me to enjoy my birthday and start the low carb thing tomorrow or Monday so I can enjoy cake and all that. She also told me to take it slow, don't cut things out of my diet all at once, drink lots of water, and exercise in moderation throughout the day. She also said, that if I get a craving for ice cream, I should walk to the ice cream parlor, get a child sized sugar free cone, and speed walk back. This way, I'll burn calories, probably more than I consumed with the cone. After the doctor, I followed her advice regarding the dieting, and Dom took me out to lunch/dinner. Is there a word for that? Breakfat/lunch is brunch. What would this be - linner or dunch? Anyway, on our way there it started to snow. I got all giggly, giddy, and girly about it. Basically all the things that make me want to hurl about the female persuasion. So we ate dinner, during which he realized that the diner doesn't take credit cards and he didn't have enough cash. I found that incredibly funny because he looked horrified that he couldn't pay for my birthday meal. It turned out he was only a dollar short, so I thre him the cash, took his, and proceeded to laugh at him all day. It was like a guy forgetting his wallet, how is that not funny? For dessert, he bought me a mousse mouse. It's basically chocolate mousse shaped like a mouse. It's the cutest thing ever. And yeah, my eating healthy thing is gonna start either Sunday or Monday, as there's still b-day cake and all. After dinner, we went home where my parents wished me a happy birthday and told me they had presents for me. I head out and open my gifts, which turn out to be a $25 gift certificate to Stop and Shop, a bottle of Dessert Beauty Creamsicle body frosting and a bottle of Dessert Beauty creamsicle hair and body shimmer. I have been dying for the Dessert Beauty products, but they're like $20 a bottle and I don't feel right spending that much on beauty products for myself. Then my "aunt" Barbara came over bearing gifts as well, which included 6 pairs of underwear - it's not that weird, I asked for them - a package of Butterfingers, $20 in cash, 5 body sprays, and two body washes. All in all, this birthday kicked ass.So for a rundown of how much the people in my life rule at gift giving. Dom got me Memoirs of a Geisha, took me out to dinner, bought me a chocolate mousse mouse, and said some of the funniest shit ever to me today. As I was leaving to get my gifts from Barara, I said that it shouldn't take long. His response: That's my motto for sex. I cracked up for about five minutes with that one. And no, he lasts longer than that. My parents gave me a $25 gift certificate to Stop and Shop and two kick ass bottles of Dessert Beauty stuff. And Barbara got me six pair of underwear, an Eminem calendar, a card, $20, Butterfingers, Plumeria body wash, Plumeria body mist, Juniper body wash, Juniper body mist, Golden Rose body spray, Strawberry Splash body spray, and Pear Pleasure body spray. This birthday has kicked ass. Turning twenty isn't so bad. :)

Laundry and Shopping

2005-12-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so our laundry is done and the fridge is filled with fruits, vegetables, cheese, lean meats, and a box of low carb ice cream bars. Hey, I'm not gonna stop eating what I like, I'm just making small changes. Such as low sugar or carb juice, diet sodas, lean meats, healthy snacks - I bought carrot sticks. Yes, I actually like them. - and lots of fruits and vegetables. I'm still going to have birthday cake tomorrow, but I'll have a smallish piece. And I'm still going to have mashed potatoes or french fries, I'll just pass on the bread that day and drink water as opposed to juice. Fuck this "I don't eat carbs" shit. I tried that and all it did was make me cranky and have people run the other way when they saw me. I'm still gonna eat what I want, I'll just eat smaller portions and trade it off for something. If I have french fries, I'll pass on the biscuits or dessert. If I eat dessert, I'll pass on the potatoes. This way, I'm eating healthier, I won't feel like I'm giving everything up, and there will be no need for people to wear garlic and crosses around me. I think I can do this. No, I know I can do this. Anyway, I have a question to any and all mothers out there. Why do some mothers feel the need to have a litters worth of kids, drag them to the laundromat, and then allow them to run freely around, screaming to their hearts content, and pissing off everyone else in the building? Yes, kids are cute, they can help add meaning to your life, and they are probably the most beautiful things on the planet. But can you please, for the sake of all, keep your fucking childs sticky candy coated hands off of other people's clean laundry? Okay, so I'm in the laundromat, I have two eight loaders, one four loader, and a two loader going all at once. The place is mostly empty and I'm sitting down ready to read my book until the clothes are ready to be put in the dryer. Then in comes Mama Bear with her tribe Peesthebed and about three truckfulls of laundry. She had literally seven kids with her. I counted. Thewoman sitting next to me, has this look of horror and awe on her face. I can only assume I look the same. Horror because I know that with that many kids, there's no way I'll be able to read, and awe that a woman can even stand after popping out seven kids. After the fourth, they probably didn't even need the hospital, she just grabs her ankles and tells her husband to catch. I mean, damn! So Mama Bear heads over to the machines and starts loading the clothes in. Big mistake. As soon as Mama Bear has her back turned, Quarterback to Be starts doing suicides between machines and Tiny Thug pokes Screaming Dolphin in the arm. The town can save money on fire sirens. Just sit her up there and poke her because I swear the floor shook when she yelled. It wasn't just a Waaaah kind of yell either. This was a full on deep breath, scrunched up face, balled fists, head thrown back wail. She sounded like a dolphin being anally violated by a babboon. I'm fully expecting Mama Bear to tell her to shut up, or at least tell Tiny Thug to leave her alone. Nope, wanna know what she does? She pulls out her cell phone. Even Screaming Dolphin looked shocked. Like, what the hell are you doing, I'm screaming here! So she ups the volume. AAAAIIIEEEEEEE! And Mama Bear speaks louder. Ups the volume. AAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Speaks louder. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! Ups the volume. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Speaks louder. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!! They honestly seemed to be competing to see who got bitch slapped first. After I packed cotton in my bleeding ears, I headed out to get something to eat. After my grilled chicken sandwich and salad, I figured the damn woman must have shut her kid up by now. Or she lost her voice, either way works. As soon as I walk in the front door, I see Diabetic Waiting to Happen standing by my two loader. She has a lollipop sticking out of her mouth, something that looks like chocolate syrup on her face, and what looks and smells like jelly on her hands. How do I know what it smelled like, you ask? Simple. The little brat had taken my clothes out of the washer and was stirring them in the laundry cart. What kind of game she was playing, I never found out. She looked at me, I looked at her and I charged like a rhino. She took off towards her mother and I checked the damage. It was only a few pair of my underwear and one of my towels, but I was pissed. Not at Diabetic Waiting to Happen. But at Little Big Punk who looked old enough to know better but was just laughing, and mostly at Mama Bear for not watching her tribe. Now, I'm angry, I'm PMSing, and I am craving blood. I realize that if I go over to Mama Bear, one of us will get hurt. And since she has her own hockey team of hunter-gatherers, it will probably be me. So I take a deep breath, put my clothes in another washer, and rewash them. Since the larger machines weren't done yet, it wasn't too big ofa deal. $2 extra spent, but not world shattering. I go sit down again and as I'm glancing up at the TV, I see Diabetic Waiting to Happen, Boy With Long Braids, and Hannibal in Training opening another washer. This time it wasn't mine but I'm honestly amazed that Mama Bear has taken no notice of this. Correction, she noticed, and went back to her cell phone. I'm not sure what to do, so I ask a man in a seat near mine if he was using the washer over there. He said no, and a woman near him - now referred to as Farrah because of her hair - said she was. I inform her that there are three ankle biters going through her delicates and she runs over. Farrah was having none of it though and when the kids tried to scatter, she grabbed two of them by the arm and didn't let go. This is where Hannibal in Training got her name. She twisted in Farrahs hand, bared her teeth, snarled and bit down on Farrahs arm like the woman was made of taffy. The woman whose clothing had been violated, yelled and shook the girl off. Mama Bear then sees fit to come over and get involved. Not to apologize to poor Farrah whose clothes now have to be rewashed, but to yell at her for touching her kids. Mama Bear and Farrah square off and I'm hearing Jerry, Jerry, Jerry going off in my head. I'm waiting for one of them to throw a punch, but one of the ladys who works at the laundromat came over and broke it up. She apparently had enough of Mama Bear and told her to either keep her children under control, or leave. Mama Bear looked like she was going to say something, but how are you really going to defend yourself when your kids are that out of control? She said nothing, and went back to her laundry. She did however make a huge production about how her children are usually very wel behaved, and if the laundromat had something to interest her children, there would have been no problem. The worker rolled her eyes and used the laundromats card to pay for Farrahs rewash. I debated on mentioning my little laundry incident, but figured screw it, there was really no proof and I'd look like a gold digger. But back to Mama Bear. How in the hell does someone have the audacity to blame the laundromat for their kids misbehaving? It's a laundromat, not a daycare center. Why would you bring all of your damn kids there with you and not bring something to entertain them or at least try to keep them under control? I realize kids are hard to control, and you can't watch them 24/7. But for crying out loud, if you see your kids doing something wrong, don't just talk on your cell phone. Discipline damn it. And the laundromat has like eight TVs, six of which are tuned in to some sort of cartoon. Wht the hell are you talking about, no sort of entertainment? Ugh, it really annoyed me. Now I know that not every parent lets their kids get away with that, and not every family is that... out of control. But almost every time I go to the laundromat, there are at least four kids from the same family running around, playing with the carts, or thorwing a tantrum. It's like an obstacle course. Hop over the kid thorwing a fit on the floor, evade the flying carts kid two is sending at you, and make sure not to run over any of the other players children or you lose. Seriously, if you have that many kids, why bring them all with you to a place where you know you won't be able to watch them? I don't understand. And I know someone is going to be like, well maybe the pregnancy was accidental. Four of them?! I don't get it. Anyway, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer, Mama Bear was taking her tribe outside and on her way out she made a comment about them losing her business. The worker smiled and said thank you for small favors. Mama Bear looked like someone dumped a bucket of llama shit on her head and then asked her for a dollar. I couldn't help it. I cracked up. I pretended to be laughing at something on the TV though, because I honestly though Hannibal in Training would eat me. While the clothes were drying, I did my shopping and by the time I was done, the clothes were dry. While heading over to the dryers, I apparently failed to dodge a flying cart a kid sent my way because the damn thing crashed right into me, ran over my foot, and fell over. I lost four hit points because of that and I was even later in saving Princess Hanes from Count Maytag.. Thankfully, the father of the kid apologized profusely, asked if I was okay, and then berated his son. After I got all of the clothes ready and got home, while lifting one of the laundry bags, I felt a tug on the back of my shoulder. Yup, I pulled a muscle that is now holding my mobility hostage. One wrong move and the spinal column gets it. So now Dom is home and we're going to put the clothes away. I was going to put the clothes away myself, but my shoulder hurts, I'm tired, and honestly? I'm jsut not that nice all the time. Update later.

My favorite pair of jeans won't fit

2005-12-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

so I have to get off my ass and try to lose some weight. Although it might just be bloating. BUt I don't usually have to suck in all my breath, hop up and down and fall back on the bed to get jeans up when I'm bloated. Since I have a physical tomorrow - happy birthday, Meg, you need bloodwork - I'll find out if I gained since my last physical. If I did, I'll try to lose. Which upsets Dom. I've struggled with bulimia since I was about 7 years old and anorexia since I was 12. And he's understandably worried about me, and worried I'll take my dieting too far. And I don't know how to assure him, I'll be fine. And if I feel that I'm taking it too far, I'll get off my diet and go back to the doctor. I mean, I'm going into this strictly with the goal of just fitting into my jeans again. And I'm not going on a crazy restrictive diet. I'll still have carbs, I'll just cut back on them and replace what I cut back on with salad. So I'll eat as much as I want, it'll just be healthier. I'm not like I used to be with the whole, "If I eat half a cracker today instead of a whole one, I'll lose twice as much twice as fast." I don't want to go back to a clinic, I don't want another feeding tube, and I don't want to get crazy wit it again. So I'm going into this thinking that it's a new way of eating, not a diet. I'll still eat what I want, when I want, only smaller portions of it, and more veggies. I mean, no power on this earth will keep me away from chocolate. But as opposed to killing a half pound bar of it, I'll get a smaller sized bar, eat half, and have Dom hide the other one. So yeah, I can do this. I can. I just have to be careful not to take it too far. I just don't think Dom understands that it's a daily struggle for me whether I "diet" or not. But I can do this, I'm strong enough to know when to stop.

Where the hell

2005-11-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

are the army of gnomes that smashed me in the head while I was asleep? Because something had to have happened for my head to still hurt this bad. I took Midol earlier hoping it would help. It did for about five minutes and now my stomach hurts, the light hurts my eyes, and every sound I hear sounds amplified by a thousand. Not to mention I'm nauseous as all hell. No, I'm definitely not pregnant, I just have a migraine. I just don't really understand why my stomach hurts so much or why I have heartburn. I suppose it could be because I haven't really eaten anything with any nutritional value over the past two days. (Stomach hurt, didn't feel like cooking.) So I think tonight I'm actually going to cook and get some sleep. Maybe a meal complete with protein, carbs, and veggies paired with at least 6 hours of sleep will make a difference. Until then, I'm going to sit here, try to play this video game and if I fail at that, try to get some sleep. Dom has a late night so he probably won't be getting home until about 11, which means I won't get to spend too much time with him today, especially if I'm asleep before he gets home but after our argument last night, I'm not sure that's a bad thing. Is it normal for things to seem terrific and then when something bad happens, every single negative thing about your relationship just seems glaringly obvious? Because that's what happens with me. Yesterday morning, things were fine with my us, I couldn't have been happier about our relationship. When Dom got home, things changed and I felt like shit. My head hurt, my stomach ached, I threw up, and I just over all felt like someone hit me with a bus. Not to mention PMS. So I was really emotional and Dom was so focused on his schoolwork, I felt completely neglected. I completely understand that he has to get shit done and it's not often that he has a really big workload. But we are less than 5 feet away from each other, I feel like crap, and he basically seemed to forget I was there. I mentioned my unhappiness about it to Dom and asked what the hell we're doing together if he can forget me so easily, prolly in a slightly pissed off way - my fault obviously - and he goes off. He doesn't exactly throw the headphones or anything, but he definitely didn't put the down in a normal way and then he yells at me. I'm sorry, but I am not your fucking child, do not yell at me. If I can be pissed off and still speak in a normal level, why should I not expect the same? I hate being yelled at and I hate when he gets violent with things. So that set me off, and we spent hours arguing. Once again, nothing got resolved, but just pushed to the side. I think that's why we fight so often because we never solve things we just drop them cuz neither of us can figure out what to do. My question is this: if I'm completely content with him at 10 in the morning, and then something bad/negative happens at 6 at night, is it normal for everything wrong with our relationship to just pop out at me? Is that normal? Because I mean, his "ignoring" me (for lack of a better word) sucks, but I'll be the first to admit I tend to get emotional, especially when I feel like someone isn't treating me the way I want or feel I should be treated. If Dom is my top priority, I feel that I should be his. I'm not saying I don't love him, but I think I understand why people say that you should wait until you're where you want to be in your life before you even think about getting into a serious relationship. If we weren't together, we'd both feel lonely, and I honestly can't imagine my life without him. That's not to say I can't survive without him. I don't want to, not for a second. But I could. But if we weren't together, he wouldn't be under nearly as much pressure with trying to balance having a girlfriend and going to school full time. And if I weren't with him, I'd be able to see my friends and be able to get a job without the constant fear that if I fail at this, I'm not the only one who will suffer because of it. I guess I'm just trying to figgure out what the hell we're doing. We fight, we drop the topic, we make up, we cuddel, sleep, have sex or whatever, and then never mention it again until we fight again. And I'm usually the one who brings up whatever our problem is. For example, I don't like being ignored for long periods of time when we're in the same room. I don't expect to be the center of attention all the time, but for him to look up from whatever he's doing from time to time and say hi, I love you, I'm almost done, or even there's a kangaroo wearing a diaper on your head isn't too much to ask, in my opinion. Since his ignoring me doesn't happen very often, I usuallly have no reason to mention it. When he does ignore me, and I mention it, he freaks and asks why I "always have to bring it up." Well, when the hell am I supposed to bring it up? I can't imagine our discussing it over dinner would go over very well. Although, I do admit, I tend to bring up more than just the current issue. For example, last night's argument about his ignoring me. He freaked, got violent with the headphones, yelled at me, and I got scared. So I do what I normally do when I get scared: get angry. Anger is a hell of a lot easier to deal with than sadness or fear. I know it's not a good way to deal with it, but it's honestly almost second nature to me at this point. So I started bitching at him about how he always resorts to yelling when he's upset, how I can't mention anything that will upset him cuz he'll throw something, how I don't understand why we're together if it's so easy for him to ignore me. Looking back, I know I should have stuck to the facts, and not thrown in the part about his being unable to handle a conversation about anything touchy. I should have just told him his reactions to touchy topics really upset me, I won't deal with them, and that his ignoring me really upset me. But last night I didn't care. I was afraid, I felt sick, and I was pissed. Fuck maturity. I need to work on that, but I don't know how. I'll get there eventually. Another thing I brought up, that I really should have just left alone, was our future. It had no bearing on the current issue, but it was always really in the back of my mind and it's surprising how every thing that bothers me about our relationship flies to the front when I'm upset. Since I was a little girl, I wanted marriage and kids. It was a given that I'd eventually get married and have a child, or adopt. However, Dom doesn't know if he wants marriage or kids, which needless to say, doesn't bode well with me. We're young, so I can usually let it rest. I mean, he's still in college, we still live with my parents, I don't have a job, and I'm still only 19. (Yeah, I'm enjoying the remaing few days of my teenage years. I feel old.) So the thought of kids and marriage right now isn't very pressing. But I know that I eventually want them. And that's something Dom doesn't know. So when I'm upset, thats one of the main things that pops into my head. If we want different things from life, how will this work? Are we just wasting our time? But today, I'm calmer and I realize that before we consider having kids, he needs to be out of school, we both need to be working, and we need to have a decent amount in savings. Kids are expensive little bastards. And before we consider marriage, we should have our own place at the very least. His being out of school wouldn't hurt either. But it still doens't get rid of my wondering if we're just wasting our time. I mean, I have no definite plan of when and where I want to get married. I just know it's something I want to do at some point in my life. And I always assumed the person I fell in love with would feel the same. So it's very off putting to constantly wonder if we're going to spend a few years of our life together, only to have it crash and burn because we want different things. Is it normal for my mind to make that jump all the time? The jump from "things are great" to "I hate this, it sucks when blah blah blah?" I mean, is it normal to do that? And even if it is, how do I stop? I want to be able to focus on the issue at hand, not bring in fifteen others. People used to tell me all the time that relationships take work. I never realized how much work some relationships require. *shrugs* I don't know if that made sense, but it was more for my sanity than anything else. Sometimes it helps to just throw down whatever is in your head. After getting all that out, the only thing left in my head is the brontosaurus stomping around up there. I can actually feel the blood in my head, which is disturbing and kinda cool all at once. If it didn't hurt so much, I'd love it. And I have such bad heartburn if I breathe too hard I'll set the house on fire. And I have a weird tight rumbly ball feeling in my stomach. Like I'm hungry but my body is saying "eat and die bitch." So I'm thinking I'm going to lay down, and try to sleep. I'd love to read a bit but I don't know if I can. Ohhh, you know what's completely random but really drives me nuts for no reason? That stupid Gladware commercial or whatever it it. There's a guy with a little kid just hanging out in an all white living room and he's on the phone with his wife/girlfriend. The little kid is in the background slamming the Gladware container filled with salsa all over the palce. The floor, the table, the couch and the guy is oblivious to it. Until miracullously, the wife asks if he's eating in the all white living room. He says no, looks at his kid, quickly hangs up with his wife and says something about being careful with daddy's sofa. Now the whole damn time the kid is throwing that container around, it doesn't open. I can't even get the damn things to close right! And I guarantee you, if I dropped it, not only would it open, but it's probably spray all over me and under every single piece of furniture in the room. Also, why the hell would you get an all white living room set if you have a kid? Why would you get it anyway? You're almost asking for trouble. If I so much as look at a light colored shirt, something is going to spill on it before I even put it on. I kid you not. So what would possess someone to get a white couch? You sit on the damn thing. As clean as you are, if you even sweat on it, it's going to stain eventually. I know people with white living rooms and I feel like I'm going to defile it whenever I go over to their houses. I feel like I need to strip naked, walk through a car wash, drip dry, put on a kimono and take my shoes off before I even look at the carpet. And forget about sitting down, the couch is for decoration only. You just look at it, squat, and pretend you're sitting on it. If you wanna sit, you have the floor or the toilet. I don't know. When Dom and I go furniture shopping, I'm planning on getting a darker color for our living room set. Not black cuz everything shows on that, but not white either. Maybe a dark beige, or a blue/grey color. Or better yet, screw shelling out $1500 for a couch. I'll spend $50 on something ugly from a garage sale, spend $100 on a nice washable slip cover, and I won't have to worry about spills or anything. And now, I really am going to lay down. Update more later.

Anyone...

2005-11-30T02:39:00.000-08:00

know of something other than Excedrin Migraine that helps with migraines? I have the whole nausea thing along with blinding agony. And Dom is being pissy. Not a good combination, especially considering I'm struggling and making my headache worse by trying to write his fucking english paper. Grrrr. I need sleep.

This entry has more twists than Days of Our Lives...

2005-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

so be prepared for a lot of random things to be thrown together. For one thing, I have to marry my boyfriendI have come to the conclusion that despite all of our fights and arguments, I have the world's best boyfriend. My boyfriend has not only bought me Midol and Monistat before, but the other day, I felt really bad and he went to the store for me. While there, he picked up mybirth control pills, pads for me, tampons for my mother and an ungodly amount of chocolate. How many men would do that for their girlfriends? And he went garage sale-ing with me once. And he's taking me out to dinner for my birthday this Friday. :) On another note, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in the cleaning aisle at the store this morning. We dated for three years on and off - from when I was 14 until I was almost 18 - and let's just say it wasn't a healthy relationship and there was a really messy break up. We recognized each other right away and he did the whole once over thing on me. I was incredibly tense because I wasn't quite sure what the proper etiquette was since we don't speak and haven't in about two years. I was even more unsure since I have absolutely no interest in pursuing any kind of relationship with him again. It was to the point where I broke off mutual friendships because I couldn't stand to be around him. I was fully prepared to hit him with the economy sized bottle of bleach if he made one wrong move but he didn't. The weird thing was, he just smiled at me, said "Hi, Meg," and kept walking. We did the whole look over our shoulder to see if the other is looking and he laughed. It was like nothing bad ever happened between us. After he turned down the end of the aise, I breathed a sigh of relief and mentally kicked myself for wearing this stupid shirt that slips down all the time. It shows an obscene amount of cleavage if I don't keep hiking it up. Dom hates when I wear that shirt and he reminds me constantly that it falls down. In my defense, it's the only clean shirt I have left until I do laundry on Thursday. Unless I wanna walk outside in my lace camis or tank tops. Anyway, the whole running into Chris thing was really awkward and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't have any of the residual bitterness or hate I felt towards the end of our relationship and even after it ended. i didn't feel any of the hurt I felt either. I just felt awkward and old. We broke up about two years ago, and so much has happened since then. We moved, I lost my job because my cancer came out of remission, I kicked it back into remission -fuck you cancer- I met the most amazing man I've ever met, I graduated high school, and I learned that adults don't all suck. And when they tell you that the things that seem huge in high school don't mean anything after you graduate? It's true. Graduating high school is similar to throwing a bag of coffee beans in the air and shooting it with an assault rifle. All the people just scatter across the world. Some people travel, some work, some go to college, and none of them give a damn that you fell on your ass in the cafeteria sophomore year. And the ones that do deserve your pity for living that damn far in the past. While you're living your life the way you want, they just can't pull themselves out of the glory days. Pretty sad actually. Anyway, it was weird that I didn't feel like performing an unoffical circumcision on him - with no anaesthesia. I just felt like going home and making some popcorn. Oh, and I need to find out if I have the words "Ask me for help" stamped on my ass. I usually don't mind helping people but today was crazy. I was already feeling kinda pissy cuz I got up at 7 and left with Dom at 7:45 thinking Blockbuster opened at 9. Nope, they don't open until 10. So my stupid ass is waiting outside in a shirt that's determined to expose my naughty bits to the public for over an hour. I finally get into Blockbuster, grab Mr. and Mrs. Smith and High Tension, fully prepared to rent the videos and go to the store. Instead this tiny old Asian guy comes up to me and hands me a little piece of paper. It's a list of movies. I assume he needs help so I start to head over to the counter, when the guy stops me and starts speaking rapidly in what I can only assume is Chinese. The only Chinese I know is egg foo young and I doubt that's gonna get me anywhere, so I try explaining that I'm going to get someone to help him. He keeps talking. I try talking louder, he starts talking louder. Finally I figure screw it, and walk around the store getting his movies. Have you ever tried explaining to someone who doesn't speak your language that they don't have a movie on their list? It's like playing charades with a blind person. Finally, he gets it and I get to check out my movies and head to Stop and Shop. There I have the run in with the ex, I grab my stuff, get sucked into a conversation with the chatty cart guy since I couldn't hide fast enough and then my cab comes. So now here I am, watching Catwoman. I know it has a bad rep but I actually like it and I think Halle Berry is one of the sexiest celebrities alive. Anyway, I'm off for now. Oh, I have another book to add to my wish list: Memoirs of a Geisha. It looks great and it's supposed to be amazing... anyone ever read it? Anyone? Bueller??

Sex

2005-11-28T08:13:00.000-08:00

I've had it, I enjoy it, and it's something I only feel comfortable sharing with someone I love. I've had two partners willingly, Dom included, and I have an active healthy sex life. But I don't understand what the big deal is about waiting until marriage. If someone chooses to wait, then feel free. If they want to sleep with half the country before their 40, buy them an economy sized box of condoms for their birthday. I'm a strong believer in do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. That's not to say you should go out and shoot up every night because you're hurting yourself and the people who care about you. But if someone chooses to take up sky diving, drop out of l college and work full time, or have consensual sex before marriage, why should it bother you? Even gay sex? If you don't believe in it, fine. But why try to push your beliefs on someone else? I'm also pro-choice. I'm a huge keep-your-laws-off-my-body kinda girl. Probably because I've had an abortion. I was beaten and raped when I was thirteen by an aquaintance of a friend. I spent about six months in the hospital nd three years in physical therapy. The beating left me struggling to walk and the rape left me pregnant. My mom doesn't believe in abortion so she told them not to give me the morning after pill. After a few days, the doctor informed me I was pregnant. I was thirteen. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I didn't want to have an abortion because the baby did nothing wrong and as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I wanted it. High school or not, I wanted that baby. But since the man who raped me used instruments not meant to be used down there, I was left scarred with over 1400 stictches inside of me. My doctor basically told me that with the internal bleeding, scarring, and the emotional stress I was under, there was a very slim chance I'd carry the child to term. And even if I did, there's a strong possibility I'd die in the process. After discussing it with my mom, she left the decision up to me. I chose an abortion. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I don't regret it, because I think I made the right choice. But I still wonder if it would've been a boy or a girl, if I'd've been able to love it the way a mother should considering the circumstances. I think I would have. I mean, regardless of the circumstances and the father, it would have been mine. It would have been part of me. I would have had to have loved it, right? Anyway, that whole situation is probably why I don't understand so much about sex. Like why wait until marriage and why there is so much fuss about losing your virginity. I didn't have a choice in mine. And what if you never get married? What if you never meet Mr./Mrs. Right? I mean, your hand is gonna get tired after a while, and isn't it human nature to want to have sex? Sex is basically thrust at us everywhere we look. From commercials with gorgeous men advertising for that body stuff, Chainsaw or whatever, to magazines with beautiful women modelling new lingerie to TV shows where every person on the damn show is getting laid. If people really had that much sex, people in general would be a hell of a lot happier. If you cut a guy off in traffic, you wouldn't have to worry about him waiting in the parking lot with a sawed off shotgun. He got a blowjob from his wife, what the hell does he care you cut him off? So maybe I just don't understand. I don't understand all the fuss about virginity being sacred and being held on to until marriage. Mine was long gone before I had sex by choice, does that mean I'm tainted in some way?? And why is it only women who need to remain virgins? And what about divorce? If you get divorced, or even widowed, should you never have sex again? My grandmother is 88 years old, and she's been married six times. All of her husbands have died - most of my family thinks she's a black widow - her first when he was 22 and was hit by a car. She was 19 when he died. Should she have never had sex again?And once you're married, is that it for good, even if you get divorced or your partner passes away? Is losing your virginity really that big of a deal? I guess I'll never know. You have no idea how much that depresses me.

Insert title here...

2005-11-27T03:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, well, Dom either doesn't love me enough to do the whole music thing for me or he's too busy, so there prolly won't be any music on my blog. Sad, I know. But if you wanna hear it, either download a copy, or leave a comment and I'll send it to you. The song is called La Belle et le Bad Boy and it's by MC Solaar. Anyway, onto other crap. I saw the Skeleton Key tonight and I was really disappointed. I expected something scary and all I got was a game of peek-a-boo with the damn "ghosts." I'm not gonna spoil it, but I definitely wouldn't watch it again. What the hell happened to real horror movies? Like the Exorcist, which didn't scare me so much as freak me out a bit. Or the Entity, which to this day gives me nightmares. The Entity is by far my favorite scary movie. Worth watching if your video store has it or if you can find a place to download it. I have chills just thinking about that movie. Or even cheesy scary movies like Nightmare on Elm Street. the Shining, or Halloween? The newish scary movies haven't done anything really other than make me jump a few times or make me laugh at how horrible they are. I'll admit it, The Ring and the Grudge scared the crap out of me, but that's all I can think of that actually made me need the lights on. The Japanese know their shit when it comes to horror movies. I mean, Samara from the Ring is one creepy little bitch. I'd run if I saw her but I mean, I love horror movies, and it's almost impossible to find a well made recent one. I dunno. I miss being really scared when I watch a scary movie. Maybe I'm too old to get scared like I used to though. *shrugs* Anyone know of any really scary movies? Any suggestions welcome... If you're looking for a good comedy, check out Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth. I definitely prefer Chris Rock's standup as I feel he's a bit more polished and even his voice has a humorous quality to it, but Chappelle's got some nice jokes. My favorites being about the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart and the R. Kelly sex scandal. Chappelle's jokes about the Smart kidnapping were similar to this guy's point of view. I realize that it's a parents worst nightmare and that Elizabeth was "only fifteen" but come the hell on. The guy's gotta sleep sometime. And fifteen is old enough to think on your feet much like this little girl did. I suppose I won't understand as I've never been kidnapped but you can be damn certain if someone comes at me with intentions of abducting me, I'm gonna fight my ass off. And if I do get nabbed and he leaves me alone for even a minute to pee, I swear to you, I'll put Seabiscuit to shame. I'll be at the nearest police station before he's even finished shaking it off. But yeah, if you're easily offended, Chappelle might not be for you. He curses like he's got Tourettes and he makes fun of things/people like Elizabeth Smart, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson, masturbation, race, strippers, smoking etc... Anyway, I'm feeling really tired, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. G'night.

My new favorite song

2005-11-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

is La Belle et le Bad Boy. I heard it on Sex and the City a few weeks ago and I love it. I can't understand a damn thing he's saying since it's French but it's got a hot sound to it. Definitely something I'd love to dance to. If I can convince Dom to help me, I'll post it for your listening pleasure later. Right now though, I'm exhausted and he's at the store. So grateful to him for going for me. Love you sweetie!

Pimped Out Turkeys

2005-11-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

I know it's a bit late but... clicky clicky. :)

Our Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm mostlly thawed and rested so on with my entry. Yesterday was interesting. Dom and I left at 9:30 so we would get to NYC at 4:20. I suppose it's a bit early, but we weren't sure where we were going, plus there was a parade and the public transit was running on a holiday schedule so better safe than sorry right? Wrong. We got all the way to the theater by 12:30. Which leaves us with 3+ hours on our hands. In 15° weather. With 20-30mph winds. And the occasional rain shower. There was a Barnes and Noble right there but since it was Thanksgiving, it was closed. So we walked around for a while, hung out in s grovery store until people stared and I got uncomfortable, then continued walking around, popping into two drugstores for warmth and something to do. After leaving the 2nd one, Dom sees a McDonalds. Saved! So we spend $18 on food - gotta love tax on food huh - eat, and then just sit and talk until about 2:30 when we head over to Tower Records, which was on the corner near the theater. So we're in the store for a few minutes when we see a few bench type things by the escalator near the magazine racks. Dom lets me have the remaining seat and heads off to browse and find his own seat. Now, I'm bored, and I don't want to get up in case someone takes my seat. So I'm stuck reading magazines within arms reach. Ugh. So, while reading my Guitar magazine, I make the mistake of leaning back in the seat. I knocked about 12 magazines off the bench and onto the escalator behind me. I hear someone yell an obscenity and I do what any responsible caring person would do in that situatio. I run like hell. I'm trying to find a place to hide when I find Dom sitting on a bench thing in the foreign section. So I sit down, explain what happened, and try to look innocent, like I hadn't just accidentally assaulted someone with a dozen magazines. Dom had this really interesting book in his hand, which we looked at. The book was called 50 Facts That Should Change the World, and it was depressing, horrifying, educational, and interesting all at once. A few of the things Dom read to me stuck out. Such as in the year 2002, more than 80 percent of the world's executions took place in just three countries: China, Iran and America. And because of the Asian preference for male over female babies and China's one-child policy, China has 44 million missing women. Million. And one that I found shocked both of us. The USA spends $10 billion on porn, the same amount it spends on foreign aid. Which brings me to another one of the things Dom found. Apparently a crapload of countries are still struggling with TB and malaria. That pisses me off. Why the hell can't we at the very least help some of those countries get rid of a disease we kicked the hell out of years ago? I may be admitting my ignorance or naivete but I don't care. If we can afford $10 billion just to see someone get wriggly with it, we should be able to help other countries a bit more. So now I have two new books on my want to get list: 50 Facts that Should Change the World and Little Earthquakes. Anyway, at about 3:30, we headed out for the theater. We already had our tickets so we went up about 5 escalators and wound up near the bathrooms and the snack bar. Dom heads into the bathroom and I strike up a conversation with the ticket lady. I asked her if it was crowded already and she said yes and advised me to hurry and get a seat. I see a group of about 6 go in, and I figure oh well it's a theater, Dom and I should be able to sit together. I see another group of about 4 or 5 go in and I start to get slightly nervous. Next thing I know I hear something that sounds like a pack of elephants wlaking with cackling hyenas as their dates. I watch in horror as literally about 30-35 kids all walk past the ticket lady with their stubs in hand. I look at the ticket lady, the ticket lady looks back at me and raises her eyebrows and I start yelling for Dom. Poor guy pops out the bathroom looking completely frazzled and rushed. I explain that a gaggle of grade schoolers just walked in so we have to get seats - NOW. Into the theater we go and it was already about 1/3 full. The showing was sold out so I expected crowds, just not like that. Anyway, we get an aisle seat and I throw my sweatshirt over the chair next to me so people will think it's taken. Dom goes to get me a soda and the theater fills up even more. Dom comes back, we wait for the movie to start and two women ask if the seats to my left are taken. I stupidly say no, and they come over and take their seats. One of the women smells like she just chain smoked a full carton of cigarettes and the other smells like pastrami. I'm completely disgusted and debate moving but we decide to stick it out. After a few minutes the smell goes away or I just get used to it cuz it stopped bothering me. Poor Dom has long legs though, so he kept having to stand up when the people in our row had to leave. Eventually, he sat sideways until the movie was about to start and everyone was settled in. The movie started and right away we see a problem. The screen is so damn big it's impossible to watch comfortably. It was honestly so big I couldn't watch everything happening on the screen. I had to pick a point and focus on it. Seriously. I think that IMAX screen is supposed to be like 10x the size of a regular movie screen. After a while. I get used to it and then I realize that the movie doesn't flow very well and if I hadn't read the books, I prolly wouldn't know what the hell is going on. It was like a series of pictures just jammed together in chronological order. Only we're missing huge bits of information. I'm not gonna spoil it and I can't judge fairly as the experience was kinda weird. All I know is that when the next movie comes out, we're gonna download it. This way we can talk as much as we want, rewind if we miss something, and pause if we have to pee. And we'll save $20 on the ticket, plus food and transportation costs. Anyway, after the movie ended, Dom and I left the theater and realized that it get colder after dark. So the wind is blowing and it feel like it's -10° out and we have to wait for the trains to get home. I fall asleep for part of the time on the train - big surprise, as I'd only gotten an hour and a half of sleep the night before - and the travelling time seemed to have flown by. We both pee at Penn Station, I get a hot chocolate and Dom gets a Snapple. We sit down and talk for a while, then take the light rail back home. Getting off the light rail and going outside into the cold is like getting kicked in the face by the Frosty the Snowbitch after spending a full eight hours in your nice toasty bed. We walk the two blocks to Stop and Shop when I say fuck it and tell Dom to call a cab. We waiting inside the bank for the cab to show up and then went home. I was home for less than an hour before I crashed and fell asleep. Only to be woken at a bit after 4 by Dom because I stole his blanket. I haven't been able to get back to sleep since, although I think I'm going to try now because I'm really tired still. If I think of anything I forgot, I'll update again. Hope your holidays went well! G'night. Or morning... whatever.

Too damn tired

2005-11-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

for a coherent entry. Real update later. Just wanted to say I was awakened by my boyfriend tugging at the blanket. After giving it to him, my body literally started aching from the cold. So I checked the temp at weather.com and this is what it told me... "Clear, 20°, feels like 8°." I like the cold but damn. Even the snow is hiding somewhere with a cup of hot chocolate.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

2005-11-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

I hope you all have a really great day, stuff yourself til you're happy, and refrain from slaughtering any in-laws. If you really wanna give them hell, put a drop of Visine in their gravy. They'll be in the bathroom all night and out of your hair. So I'll be leaving to see the movie soon. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait! For someone who lives less than 30 minutes from NYC, I'm sure as hell excited to get there. Yeah, I'm pathetic... Anyway, checklist for our city outing:

Fandango tickets: check
ID: check
Transportation money: check
Food money: check
Emergency money: check
Boxcutter: check
Purseful of batteries in case I can't get to my boxcutter fast enough: check.

Okay, people, I'm 0ff. Later!

More Movie Madness Part 2

2005-11-24T03:20:00.000-08:00

Just saw Dark Water. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. It was eh. Worth seeing if you're really bored. It did make me wonder why little kids in horror movies are always creepy as hell though? I'm not a tiny lil petite princess, I took kickboxing lessons for three years, and I even won a few tournaments and I'm still not ashamed to admit that if I saw that little girl from the Ring I'd scream like a bitch and haul ass the other way. Oh another thing the mocie made me think about was taking the tram. I wanna take the tram now. I think I'll try to coerce Dom into taking me on my birthday. Let's figure this out. It's $1.25 from here to Penn Station in Newark, then $1.50 from Newark Penn Station to 33rd Street, then say $2 to whatever subway stop is closest to where the tram is, and then $1.50 for the tram. And he rides the subway from here to Penn Station for free so for him it's just $5. Multiply by two for a round trip and you have a whopping $10. Even if he paid for me as a b-day treat, it would just cost $22.50 total for us. As opposed to the $30 or $40 it would cost for us to go to dinner. He's a comp sci major, he likes math, science, and logical stuff like that. Maybe if I give him a nice lil equation I can convince him to brave the cold and take me on the flying subway car thing. If I go, I'll take pictures and post them. Now I'm off to do some relaxing reading and then get some sleep so I'll be awake enough to enjoy the city and movie tomorrow. It's already 3:20 and I have to get up at 7. G'night and happy Thanksgiving!